Becoming a father: Giving birth as an older dad

When it comes to topics related to pregnancy and childbirth, it is natural that expectant mothers are often in focus. No wonder, after all, they do something truly amazing during birth. But what about all the dads who support them along the way?

We want to give fathers a voice in this column! Every two weeks, a different dad shares his very personal perspective on the birth. Home or hospital birth? Premature or multiples? Home or hospital birth? Preemies or multiples? Water birth or Cesarean section ? Our LILLYDOO dads share their very personal birth experience and have plenty to tell.

Tilman from Crailsheim became a father again at the age of 54. Why he made this decision over 30 years after the birth of his first daughter and why he considers calmness during childbirth preparation to be the most important thing, he reveals in this column.

1. HAVE YOU PREPARED IN ANY WAY FOR THE BIRTH AND DO YOU FEEL THAT IT HAS DONE SOMETHING FOR YOU?

My wife attended a where fathers were occasionally allowed to participate. This allowed me to exchange ideas with other parents there. Otherwise, we bought a few books on the topic, which we looked up whenever a question arose. And of course, we also did some research online. But overall, that was pretty much the only preparation I did. Since my wife and I both tend to overthink things, we tried to approach the birth preparation quite casually and not to worry too much beforehand.

2. HOW DID THE BIRTH GO AND HOW DID YOU EXPERIENCE IT?

With my first daughter, I was not present at the birth. Back then, it was not common or even desired for the husband to witness the birth. Nowadays, there has definitely been a paradigm shift, and I believe that is a good thing. My then-girlfriend and I were still very young when she became pregnant. Unfortunately, my older daughter was placed in foster care during her subsequent development and grew up almost completely without me. This fact definitely contributed to my decision to become a father again so late: this time, I wanted to experience everything very consciously.

During Maja's birth, the contractions started around 6 p.m. Through the childbirth preparation course, we knew we could take our time and only went to the hospital at 11 p.m. By then, the contractions were already occurring every three minutes. Originally, my wife preferred a cesarean section because, as a physiotherapist, she was well (perhaps too well?) informed about the possible complications of a . However, after visiting the clinic during pregnancy, she changed her mind and decided to try a natural delivery after all.

We stayed in a family room in the delivery ward, and my wife was initially given pain medication, hoping she could at least get some sleep – which is not so easy with the beeping of the contraction monitor. I was able to sleep a bit better, as men are generally known to have an easier time with that. ;) But even after waking up, it was a matter of waiting, waiting, waiting. Despite the pushing contractions, our little one did not descend further. When the doctor eventually started to eye the drawer labeled "Suction Cup," we decided that it made no sense to wait any longer and that we would prefer a cesarean section. I was allowed to be present in the operating room to support my wife by holding her hand (a spinal anesthesia had been administered earlier, so a general anesthesia was not necessary). This made the delivery quite prolonged. Overall, it was 24 hours of labor before a cesarean section was finally necessary. In hindsight, the cesarean was definitely the right decision, because according to the midwife's assessment of Maja's condition, she probably would not have survived the delivery unscathed with the use of the suction cup.

3. IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WOULD DO DIFFERENTLY AT YOUR NEXT BIRTH?

Now, purely hypothetically: No. Our motto has always been: "Calm parents make for peaceful children." Therefore, our goal was to enjoy the first bonding moments after birth completely relaxed and stress-free. Our daughter spent her first night on my chest – an incredible experience to have the little one sleeping on me. We also had a family room in the hospital after the cesarean section. During the five days we still had to stay in the clinic, we had it all to ourselves, without disturbances. We did not perceive the nurses and midwives as a disturbance; they helped us overcome the initial uncertainties and contributed to a calm, relaxed atmosphere.

The development of our daughter seems to confirm our thesis. ;) We have a really well-behaved and easy-to-care-for child. Original quote from my father when he caught the little one for the first time after three months in a situation where she wasn't feeling so well: "I'm hearing her cry for the first time now."

I also believe that my age has definitely made me more relaxed – both during and after childbirth. It’s not always easy to stay calm, as it naturally puts pressure on you when the baby is crying, but with age, you learn to tell yourself “this is a phase, it will pass,” and of course, you can then also pass this inner calm on to the child.

4. WHAT WOULD YOU RECOMMEND TO OTHER DADS FOR BIRTH PREPARATION?

My tip is more about the time after the birth and is actually quite simple: Try to be mainly a source of support, a pillar, and also a bit of a sounding board for your wife. In my experience, this is the best way to support your wife after the birth. Approaching the situation with a calm attitude is just one side; on the other hand, you are faced with a flood of new emotions that also need to be processed first.

Because as a new parent, you tend to quickly reach the point of being overwhelmed. Through breastfeeding, the mother spends even more and more intensive time with the child, which may lead to even greater sleep deprivation. It helps if you, as the father, are the calming influence who conveys that there is no reason for a nervous breakdown. ;) An environment (friends, family) that provides supportive assistance is also helpful in this situation.

Sometimes, as a new mom, self-doubt still creeps in with the motto "Can I handle all of this?", which actually isn't necessary at all. I have noticed that when I give my wife positive feedback, telling her she's doing well and that we are managing it together, calmness returns to her as well. And at the latest, when our daughter flashes her charming smile again, almost everything is forgotten anyway.