Eventually, it happens in almost every family: after parental leave, it’s back to work. New questions arise: Can you manage? Will your child be neglected? And how does this affect everyday family life? At LILLYDOO, we believe you will make the right decisions for yourself and your little explorer. But we also think it can’t hurt to occasionally seek advice from people who deal with these questions every day and are experts in their field.

Our expert is an author and journalist who has published a guide to balancing work and family called "Between Laptop and Lego Bricks." In the LILLYDOO column, she discusses how working together on balance can make family life easier.

Dear Katharina, why is the compatibility of work and family such an important topic?

If you want to balance work, family, couple time, and self-care, it takes a little planning and organization. At first glance, that might sound like work—something you might not necessarily associate with family life. But the fact is, today we have to keep so many balls in the air, and we want to do it all, that it’s nearly impossible without some structure. For me, living a work-life balance primarily means developing a family system together with your partner: one in which time as a couple has its place, everyone can do something for themselves, there is quality time with the children, time to develop professionally, and care work (all activities of caring and looking after) is distributed fairly. And how can all of that work if you don’t make a plan?

How gender stereotypes influence us

To what extent do traditional gender roles affect this compatibility?

We are all shaped at first by how roles were divided in our parents’ home. This can also include very positive things that we unconsciously adopt and take responsibility for. Classic examples are birthday tables and Advent calendars. Both are loving gestures, mostly from mothers, that we may have enjoyed ourselves or always found especially wonderful in other families. When you have children, you often want to continue these traditions as a mother because, in the traditional role model, mothers tend to do the crafting—and that immediately becomes a big item on the to-do list. It’s not about suddenly stopping the Advent calendar or no longer decorating the table lovingly; it’s about allowing yourself to buy ready-made themed sets or calendars, or simply sharing the responsibility across several shoulders. You can also look for new role models and consciously work on not being swept away by the whirlwind that automatically comes with having a child. Instead, stand together against the wind and decide who can keep which part running.

The distribution of the "Mental Load"

You write a lot about the "mental load" in your book. What is that?

In most families, one parent—often the mother—functions as the family’s data center. All the wires come together there. That parent knows when the trash bins are emptied, when Grandma’s birthday is and what she wishes for, what shoe size the children wear, where the swimming rings are, and when the bus tickets need to be renewed. To keep this knowledge constantly accessible, the brain works all the time: it updates to-do lists, writes little reminders, and provides information. That is the mental load.

How can parents recognize that they can still work on compatibility?

In my book, psychologist Anna Wilitzki says that mental load—and the lack of a fair distribution of tasks and responsibilities that often comes with it—can become the biggest crisis in a relationship. So if one partner feels significantly more responsible and is overwhelmed by their share of the mental load, the family should sit down together and examine where this overwhelm is coming from and how responsibilities can be redistributed and shared differently.

Where and how families are being helped

How and where can families get help if the parent couple or the single parent feels overwhelmed?

There are various ways to seek support. If you can’t find the much-discussed village needed to raise a child within your own family, you can, for example, form an alliance with other parents from daycare or school to cover afternoons or individual days. Another option is to bring a babysitter or other childcare support into your family, but of course, this also has to be financially feasible. If you aren’t able or willing to make big leaps, you can familiarize yourself with the concept of "borrowed grandparents." These are seniors who support families voluntarily or for a small expense allowance, especially when there are no grandparents nearby or they can’t participate in childcare. In addition, many family education centers or parent schools regularly offer babysitter courses for children aged 10 and up, who can play in the next room while you need time to work. Often, you can be connected with a contact there. This usually costs less than hiring an adult or even a trained babysitter.

Tips for balancing everyday life

As working parents or a working parent, it is easy to struggle with a guilty conscience. Do you have any tips on how to make this perceived burden easier?

Alexa von Heyden beautifully says in my book, "I don't work to upset my child." On the one hand, you can shift your own thinking and recognize that working helps earn money for the family and that you may also want to find fulfillment in your job—which is completely okay. On the other hand, you can talk about these topics with children, helping them grow up understanding that work doesn’t take anything away from them. A family council can help with this. If you sit down together on Sundays and talk through the week, children can prepare for upcoming appointments and actively participate in shaping the week with their wishes and schedules.

Especially when they let the children be "careed for by others," parents are quickly confronted with negative reactions from outside. How can they deal with this?

Your life, your rules! As long as you feel comfortable with your setup and everything fits your family, then it’s exactly right. Remind yourselves of that in moments like these and stay true to what works for you. If someone complains and it becomes too much, you can also say clearly: “You don't have to do it the way we do, but it works perfectly for us.”.

Finally: Will you share your best tricks to make work-life balance a success for the whole family?

Bring everyone on board! When you look together at where, for example, a child can take on a task or you can share responsibilities, there is more time for the "nice things." When children are included in this process in an age-appropriate way, their understanding grows that certain things simply have to be done—and they grow through their tasks.

Thank you very much, dear Katharina Katz, for your valuable tips on balancing work and family! At LILLYDOO, we know that every family finds its own unique way—and that’s a good thing. We hope the tips from our expert will support you on this journey.