It’s hard to believe how quickly babies and toddlers develop: every day they learn something new and almost burst their parents with pride. Understandably, moms and dads love to share their joy. But sometimes this becomes the starting signal for comparisons between individual developmental stages—and that can be quite annoying. In this article, you’ll learn why some parents like to compare their children so much and how you can respond calmly.
Why do parents compare their children to each other?
Especially in toddlerhood, countless developmental milestones and “firsts” provide plenty of material for comparisons. Whether it’s daycare adjustment or major milestones like crawling, walking, or talking, many parents proudly share their child’s progress. “Oh, he still can’t do that on his own? Ours has been doing it forever,” you may have heard—and then found yourself unintentionally reflecting on it. Or you might wonder, when thinking about other parents who raise their toddlers bilingually or take them to early music classes, whether your child is missing out because you don’t support them in that way. Social media, where more and more families share (seemingly comprehensive) insights into their lives, amplifies this phenomenon even further.
But it also happens in everyday life: on the playground, at daycare, or at the pediatrician’s office, you constantly meet parents of children the same age—which often becomes a source of comparison stress.
Often, conversations about children’s progress—and inevitably, comparisons—begin in infancy. Especially among new parents, talking about child development can be a wonderful thing; it often feels reassuring and can help with uncertainty. However, when it comes with negative comments and performance comparisons, the exchange has the opposite effect: many parents feel insecure and begin to question not only their parenting style, but also their child’s abilities. The reason for these (unsolicited) comparisons is usually positive—parents’ pride in their child. Many don’t even realize in the moment that their praise can unsettle someone else. Sometimes, though, it’s their own insecurity—and the resulting search for recognition and validation—that’s behind it.
Laura from the blog also has experience with being exposed to comparisons between parents—especially on social media. The influencer shared with LILLYDOO how she experiences the constant pressure to compare:
"Unfiltered, the developmental steps of influencers on social media crash down on you. The danger of feeling pressured is even greater here, because alongside the seemingly perfect families who always look nice and where the laundry piles do not grow, you get to see every developmental step of children of the same age live and in color. Toddlers are already eating at the table much earlier, can crawl, speak, or even walk at just a few months old. A short video clip or a photo then completes the guilty conscience. Many questions run through your mind, and faster than you think, you find yourself in direct comparison. A comparison that you cannot win and that leaves an uneasy feeling."
When it comes to social media, Laura advises moms and dads to stay calm:
"Don't worry: Every account on social media is just boiling water, and a photo or a short video doesn't always reflect reality. Don't compare yourself to strangers on the internet, because especially on social media platforms, everyone has their own stage that cannot be compared to reality."
Every child develops individually
Even if countless tables and guides assign specific developmental milestones to each month, every child develops in their own way. Tables and the like can be helpful as rough guidance, but they shouldn’t serve as a strict timetable against which you measure your little explorer. Every child has a natural drive to keep developing. Some simply skip certain steps and, for example, don’t bother with crawling at all before eventually taking their first steps on their own. This says nothing about your child’s intelligence or future abilities. When your little one is ready for a particular developmental step depends not only on age, but also on the experiences they’ve had while learning new skills. Every toddler seeks out opportunities to gain new abilities or knowledge. As a parent, you can’t speed up your little explorer’s natural development; you can only offer stimulation and support by giving them enough space to explore their innate curiosity. Every child has their own strengths and talents to discover. When you recognize your child’s interests and encourage them intentionally, the related developmental progress often follows naturally.
Tips for a relaxed approach to dealing with other parents
You already know that your little explorer is unique and that comparisons with other children are unnecessary. Still, whenever other parents start proudly listing their child’s abilities, you may find yourself rolling your eyes inwardly. We’ve compiled a few tips to help you handle these situations more easily.
Disarm others with honesty to prevent competition from arising in the first place. Chances are, you’ll bring other parents real relief with a sentence like, “How great that Max is already walking confidently—Elisa isn’t quite there yet.”
Find an environment where people support one another. Try to avoid contact with people who regularly leave you feeling insecure.
Learn to distinguish helpful advice from pointless tips: You might be surprised to find that some parenting advice isn’t so bad after all—if you can set your pride aside.
Highlight the similarities between your child and other children: What game do they enjoy playing together? Can they learn from each other and motivate one another?
Compliment other parents sometimes, too. They want the best for their child and, like you, sometimes feel unsure in certain situations.
When in doubt, ask your pediatrician for advice on developmental questions rather than other parents you’ll inevitably compare yourself with.
Don’t justify yourself. You know your child best and can tell when they’re ready for new experiences—so don’t let others talk you into something.
Also try to be sensitive toward other parents when you proudly talk about your child.
Of course, it’s important—and it fills you with pride—to observe your little explorer’s development closely. But let’s be honest: grass doesn’t grow faster if you pull on it. So the motto is: stay calm. In just two years, you won’t be thinking about whether your child took their first steps three months earlier or later. In the meantime, you can simply enjoy discovering new interests and quirks every day that make your toddler so unique.
