Once you have a baby, entirely new questions arise, and suddenly you’re thinking about topics you never would have considered before. It’s an exciting, wonderful time—but we also understand if your head starts to spin after a while. At LILLYDOO, we believe you will make the right decisions for yourself and your little explorer. Still, it never hurts to occasionally seek advice from people who deal with these questions every day and are experts in their field. That’s why, in this series of articles, we ask experts the questions about pregnancy, birth, and parenthood that are on all of our minds.

Maybe you’ve already heard or read about attachment-oriented parenting at daycare, on the playground, or on social media. But what exactly is it? In this article, you’ll learn what this parenting model is all about and what it’s based on. Author and expert Nora Imlau also answers the most important questions on the topic and shares practical tips for putting it into practice in everyday family life. The concept of attachment-oriented parenting is not very old: it is based on the educational theory “Attachment Parenting,” developed in the 1980s by American pediatrician William Sears. To understand attachment-oriented parenting, it helps to first get a clear idea of what Attachment Parenting actually is.

Attachment Parenting

What is Attachment Parenting?

The most important principle of Attachment Parenting is the positive bond between parent and child. It is achieved through parents’ (especially the mother’s) highly responsive and attentive behavior toward the child’s needs—that is, a willingness to respond to all of the child’s needs. Attachment Parenting is built on the so-called “7 Baby Bs,” which are rooted in a baby’s basic needs:

1. Birth Bonding: Immediate skin-to-skin and eye contact between mother and child after birth

2. Breastfeeding: Breastfeeding on demand

3. Babywearing: Wearing the baby as often as possible

4. Bedsharing: Co-sleeping in the family bed

5. Belief in Baby’s Cries: Taking babies’ crying seriously as an expression of their needs

6. Vorsicht vor Baby-Trainer: Refusal of sleep training

7. Balance and Boundaries: Recognizing your own needs and respecting your own boundaries

Most parents would probably agree on how important a loving environment, as well as physical and emotional closeness, is for a child’s healthy development. Nevertheless, the parenting concept of Attachment Parenting is often debated controversially. Individual decisions—such as natural birth instead of a cesarean section, co-sleeping instead of using a crib, or breastfeeding instead of formula—are seen by critics as becoming dogmatic principles within Attachment Parenting. According to this criticism, rather than strengthening the relationship between parent and child, the concept can often trigger guilt, especially in mothers, and is considered generally misogynistic.

Attachment-oriented parenting

What is attachment-oriented parenting?

In German, attachment parenting is often translated as “bindungsorientierte Elternschaft.” Although there are parallels, bindungsorientierte Elternschaft is not based on a clear set of rules; instead, it aims to offer guidance and orientation for everyday family life.

Why is attachment so important for children, especially in the first year of life?

Because this is when basic trust is formed—and it carries children throughout their entire lives. A secure attachment is the best foundation and the strongest starting point for a successful life.

Is there a difference between attachment parenting and attachment-oriented parenting?

Attachment Parenting has a clear definition from William Sears; attachment-oriented parenting is more of a collective term that is used differently depending on the sender. What they share is the ideal of shaping the parent-child relationship in a way that everyday interactions support a secure attachment.

Attachment-oriented parenting is now a familiar term for many moms and dads—at the same time, the topic is being discussed controversially. What does attachment-oriented parenting mean to you?

I have a very open understanding of attachment-oriented parenting. For me, it’s not a checklist to complete, but a fundamental attitude: My child is a full-fledged person, and our interactions should be characterized by appreciation and respect for all family members. For me, this includes respecting children’s needs—such as the need for closeness and security—while also making room for the needs of the adults. Attachment-oriented parenting, for me, is not defined by breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping, or abstaining from any care outside the family in the first years.

Many new parents are surely glad to have such a “guide” as a reference, while others might feel uncertain because they cannot implement all the “rules.” What advice would you give these parents?

That there are no rules. Instead, it’s an attitude that can give children and parents stability and strength because it doesn’t focus on parenting tricks or stage power struggles. It says: What matters most is always how everyone in the family can live well together.

That’s the theory—but what does attachment-oriented parenting look like in everyday life with a baby? The Norwegian traditional company conducted an online survey with 1,000 parents and gained exciting insights into the topics of closeness, the family table, introducing solid foods, sleep, sustainability, and purchasing behavior. The result: many parents want more closeness with their child. At the same time, many new moms and dads feel uncertain when it comes to baby sleep or introducing solid foods. Nora Imlau explains how parents can implement attachment-oriented parenting in their daily lives without feeling pressured, and reveals why togetherness matters more than perfection.

Sleeping is an important and often emotional topic. Two-thirds of all surveyed parents say that their baby sleeps better near them, and just over 67 percent of children up to two years old sleep near their parents (in the family bed or in their own bed in the parents’ room). At the same time, 33 percent of parents have already tried some form of sleep training with their child. In your opinion, what is important when it comes to the topic of sleep?

It’s very important to let go of the fear of spoiling. Children don’t become dependent when we meet their need for closeness and security. On the contrary: having their needs met makes them strong. And children who were allowed to sleep close to their parents when they were young often find it easier to sleep in their own bed later. With a flexible bed like the Sleepi from Stokke, you can even combine both—first as a cradle or co-sleeper near the parents, and later as a familiar sleeping place in their own room.

20 percent of parents say they would like to be closer to their child. The most common answers to the question of what they would like to do to improve their relationship with their child are family outings, travels, cuddling, and shared meals. Do you have any advice for parents on how they can strengthen their bond with their child and build closeness even in the sometimes hectic everyday life?

Often, it doesn’t take elaborate activities to feel close to one another. Simple, bonding moments can be things like bedtime conversations, short check-ins at the family table where you share about the day, cuddling, and truly paying attention to each other. Closeness ultimately grows when children feel that we’re interested in them and their lives—and that we have time for them. From this closeness, a connection develops that gives children confidence for their future.

What should be considered when starting complementary feeding with a bonding-oriented approach?

That learning to eat involves a lot of communication. Children show very clearly when they’re ready for the first bites, whether they want to be fed, or whether they prefer to eat by themselves. Any form of pressure or coercion is counterproductive. Instead, it’s wonderful to share meals where you sit together at the family table, stay connected, and don’t focus too much on how much the little one is actually eating—because you’re simply enjoying this time together.

For many parents and children, mealtime at the family table means a time of coming together as a family. However, one in three parents also finds eating with their child stressful at times and doesn’t get to eat in peace themselves. What can moms and dads do to make shared meals more relaxed for everyone involved?

The dining table shouldn’t be a battleground for discipline. This isn’t primarily about politeness and fancy manners, but about togetherness. Many parents find it easier to enjoy their own meal when they let their little ones eat independently, even though it usually takes longer than feeding them. What also helps is a certain tolerance for mess and stains. Children want to explore food with all their senses, and that’s completely normal. The more relaxed we are about it, the better the atmosphere at the table.

Many thanks to Nora Imlau for the interview and for her exciting, insightful perspectives on attachment-oriented parenting. With one final thought for all parents who are wondering whether this parenting concept is right for them, we’ll leave the last word to the author herself: “I definitely think that every family can practice attachment-oriented parenting in everyday life. Because there is no criteria catalog to work through—ultimately, it’s about a change in mindset: moving away from the idea of controlling children and expecting them to listen, and toward respectful coexistence based on closeness, respect, and trust. I wish that all parents and children can take this step.”