Becoming a father: The family birth

When it comes to topics related to pregnancy and childbirth, it is natural that expectant mothers are often in focus. No wonder, after all, they do something truly amazing during birth. But what about all the dads who support them along the way?

We want to give fathers a voice in this column! Every two weeks, a different dad shares his very personal perspective on the birth. Home or hospital birth? Premature or multiples? Water birth or C-section? Our LILLYDOO dads share their very personal birth experience and have plenty to tell.

Christian from Berlin kicks things off, sharing with us about the . The special thing: Christian is the husband of our LILLYDOO midwife Sissi, and their two older children were also present at the birth – truly a family birth.

1. Have you prepared yourself in any way for the birth, and do you feel that it has helped you in any way?

Having almost felt like a pro after two births, I was actually quite relaxed this time. Well, as much as a man can be. Before our first birth, Sissi and I attended a childbirth preparation course. I have to honestly admit that I had hoped to be spared such a course as the husband of a midwife. However, my wife wanted to experience it from the other side. Of course, it didn't take long before she was outed as an expert through her questions. ;) Even though I wasn't so enthusiastic at first, I would recommend a childbirth preparation course to all fathers in hindsight! Many fears that you initially have, such as how to best handle your child, how to change a diaper, and many first aid questions, are addressed there. It was definitely a great help and simply gave me a better feeling.

Once you've attended a course, that's sufficient, especially since I have gained enough practical experience in the meantime. During the second birth, I was much more relaxed than before the first.

2. How did the birth go and how did you experience it?

For us, it was actually clear from the beginning of the pregnancy that the children could be present at the birth if they wished to be. Our daughter even proactively expressed her desire to be there, while our son was a bit more hesitant. Of course, we always left it up to them: we still have family in the back house, where they could have gone or I would have gone outside with them, as we ultimately did for a short time. You also never know how the children will react when their mom makes louder sounds (that's how the noisy breathing during contractions is called). You just have to be flexible and see what is okay for the children and what isn't. During the pregnancy, we also talked a lot with Hugo and Cléo about the birth and read books on the subject. So they no longer believe in the stork, but already knew exactly how a birth takes place.

It was clear anyway that we would wake the children when it started. Lilo was born at 02:21 AM, and I believe I woke the two older ones around a quarter past 1. When we were then with my wife, Cléo almost jumped into the pool – Sissi gave birth in the water – she was so curious, while Hugo sat on his toddler chair next to her like a lifeguard. I kept a close eye on him to prevent him from doing something he didn't really want to do, out of the feeling that he had to keep up with his little sister. But in the end, that wasn't the case at all: He had ultimately decided on his own to be there and to witness the birth.

Towards the end, I briefly went outside again with the children because it was getting a little louder. I don't really remember what we did, I think we ate a mandarin until one of the midwives came and said we could come back inside. Then everything happened quickly, and Lilo was there. It was truly a very special moment to see the relief on my wife's face, the children's expressions, the room with candles, and then 15-20 minutes later, lying on the sofa with Hugo, Cléo, and the baby, singing "How wonderful that you were born" – really a very unique atmosphere and an important bonding moment.

3. Was there something you wanted to do differently after the last two births?

After the birth of our son, there was already a lot of visitors right afterwards. That was a mistake, which we already avoided the second time and also wanted to bypass this time. The baby can't process so many impressions yet, and this will show in the end in the form of sleepless nights. Therefore, one should give mother and child the time to settle in first. Of course, everyone wants to see the little one, and you yourself would also love to shout it out to the world, but the baby is now here, and there is no need to rush. This is something that as a father you can also do a lot of by reassuring grandparents, friends, and neighbors first. Fortunately, nowadays with social media, there are enough ways to share your joy with family and friends. ;)

Even when it comes to organizational matters, I was well prepared based on the experiences of the last two home births. The first time, I called a structural engineer to ask if it was even allowed to set up the 600-liter pool for the water birth in an old apartment. The second time, I hadn’t checked beforehand whether the attachment between the kitchen faucet and the hose really fit, and I had to hold the hose for three hours. But this third time, I was perfectly prepared: the pool was set up a week in advance, the hose attachment was there, and the water was in on time – perfectly timed before it all started.

4. What would you recommend to other dads for childbirth preparation?

I would like to advise expectant fathers to consider the idea that they will not necessarily be the super dad from day one, feeling an immediate and intense connection to their baby. This is something that I find very important and, in my opinion, is talked about far too rarely. It can indeed take some time to get used to this new role, and even with the second or third child, it can take days or weeks. The woman is, so to speak, nine months ahead, during which the baby was always with her. Additionally, there is the release of oxytocin during birth – so it’s no wonder that it takes men a little longer to establish an emotional bond with the child. I like to use the Oktoberfest analogy here: if you only arrive at the Oktoberfest in the evening and everyone else has already had a few Maß, you can’t catch up on that lead overnight. ;) I would recommend discussing this calmly as a couple and giving yourself as a father the time to gradually get to know the new family member. You shouldn’t expect that this feeling of connection must be there immediately after birth. And above all, I would advise fathers not to let stories from friends or colleagues unsettle them. Of course, there are also men who feel an immediate peng does, but in my experience, many of them are simply not entirely honest.

In the beginning, it wasn't so easy for me to accept that the mother is the primary contact person as long as the baby is breastfeeding and I can't "perform" in this regard. I still remember when I had my first daughter in my arms and she tried to cling to my breast: as soon as she felt the hair, she immediately got upset and started crying because she knew I couldn't provide her with what she wanted, namely the mother's milk.

With regard to the birth itself, I believe that a lot of primal trust is the most important thing, after all, it is a completely natural process. Additionally, I would recommend talking as much as possible with the partner about what she wishes for and bringing enough understanding, especially when the hormonal cocktail affects the woman after the birth. The most absurd wishes can arise, for example regarding food. You should be prepared for everything to be turned upside down temporarily.

And finally, a very practical tip for all fathers expecting a home birth: hang a note in the stairwell beforehand to warn the neighbors. Sissi's colleagues have already reported births where the police arrived at some point. No wonder, if you suddenly hear screams or loud groaning noises from the neighbor's apartment at 2 a.m., you might start to think that not everything is above board. ;)