Becoming a father: The unplanned home birth

When it comes to topics related to pregnancy and childbirth, it is natural that expectant mothers are often in focus. No wonder, after all, they do something truly amazing during birth. But what about all the dads who support them along the way?

We want to give fathers a voice in this column! Every two weeks, a different dad shares his very personal perspective on the birth. Home or hospital birth? Premature or multiples? Home or hospital birth? Preemies or multiples? Water birth or Cesarean section ? Our LILLYDOO dads share their very personal birth experience and have plenty to tell.

Actually, Marius from Berlin and his wife had mentally prepared for a hospital birth. But then the started, and suddenly everything happened very quickly. Marius tells us about this unplanned home birth and what midwives do with black coffee, besides drinking it, in our latest birth story of our column.

1. Have you prepared yourself in any way for the birth, and do you feel that it has helped you in any way?

I have to smile a little at this question. At the beginning of our preparation, we still had the best intentions, wanted to attend a , bought the relevant literature, and so on... Well, in the end, we read about half a page in one of the books, and somehow the course no longer fit into our schedule. But we were told from all sides not to stress ourselves and that everything would come differently anyway, than we imagine. To put it with the old Mike Tyson quote: “Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face.” ;) So, it was completely okay for us to just let it all come naturally. Our friend cared for us as a midwife, and we relied on her experience and advice. In the end, I didn't feel totally unprepared for the birth.

2. How did the birth go and how did you experience it?

We of course discussed the possible birthplaces with Sissi beforehand. Sissi has given birth to all her own children at home and also recommended this option to us. But since it was our first birth, we were quite nervous. We were worried that something might go wrong and there would be no doctor nearby. Consequently, we considered the possibility of a home birth, but we definitely wanted to have an alternative plan in mind and therefore registered at the hospital. We were almost certain that we would end up in the clinic in the end. This had absolutely nothing to do with Sissi and her abilities, but solely with our own subjective sense of security.

When my wife Marina called me and said she was having contractions and I needed to come home right away, I was in an important meeting. Since I knew from Sissi that labor for a first child usually lasts many hours, I thought we still had all the time in the world and wanted to finish the meeting. However, Marina quickly made it clear to me that I really should come now. She was practically calling Sissi every ten minutes, who initially also said, "Don't worry, you have plenty of time..." But when Sissi heard how quickly the contractions were following each other, she changed her assessment. Due to Berlin traffic and a problem with her car, she couldn't get to us quickly, so she contacted a friend who was a midwife near us, who immediately came to us. She told us that we could of course go to the hospital, but given Marina's condition, we definitely needed to call an ambulance, and there was a very high chance that the baby would be born in the ambulance. Her recommendation was to stay at home and have the baby here. So I said to my wife, "Oh, I guess we’re having a home birth." Since she was in such pain, she didn’t find that very funny at the moment. ;) In the end, only three hours passed between Marina’s first call and the birth of our son.

But fortunately, everything went well, and Sissi arrived just in time. The two midwives supported us wonderfully. The birth was an absolutely magical experience for me, and even though everything was originally planned quite differently, the home birth was ultimately exactly what was right for us. I was able to support my wife throughout the entire process, contribute myself, and it was such a beautiful and intimate experience that I will never forget in my entire life.

A funny story that happened during childbirth I still need to tell: When Sissi arrived at our place, she asked me if I could make her a black coffee. It was late afternoon, cold and rainy outside, and I thought Sissi wanted a coffee because she was tired and chilled. So I hurried to the kitchen, brewed a nice strong cup of coffee, and brought it to her. She looked at me in complete surprise and asked, "What is that?". I said, "You wanted a coffee, right?", to which Sissi replied, "That's not for me, but for your wife!". I said, "Marina doesn't want a coffee right now, that's not good for her!". Then Sissi explained to me that coffee-soaked compresses help improve blood circulation and stretch the perineal tissue, thus preventing tears. Of course, I had never heard of that before. Since then, we laugh every time Sissi comes by and asks for a coffee. ;)

3. Was there something you wanted to do differently after the first birth?

Not really. The only thing we consciously changed when our second son was born was our mental attitude towards home birth. After the decision was almost taken away from us during the first birth, it was completely clear to us the second time: we definitely wanted another home birth because we experienced this intimate atmosphere as so positive.

Except for our attitude towards home birth, everything else was the same: the same people, the same environment, the same approach – after all, it had proven successful. Only my jokes, which I used to distract Marina from the pain, were much better the second time. ;)

4. What would you recommend to other dads for childbirth preparation?

What the ideal preparation looks like (for example in terms of type and intensity), is, in my opinion, highly dependent on one's own personality. Some people need the feeling that they have done something to feel calm before going into labor, while others find that stressful and it makes them nervous. Everyone has to find their own way. Generally, I advise expectant fathers not to get too worked up about it. Having experienced two births myself, I would say that it is difficult to prepare for this special event, as it is unlike anything you have experienced before. Of course, you should know a few basics, but beyond that, you can read all the information you want, but since you can't relate it to any existing experiences, you probably won't remember it in the heat of the moment. At least, that's my theory.

I would definitely recommend a home birth. You experience the birth very closely connected with your partner – an incredibly personal and magical experience that I wouldn't want to miss!