Learning to let go of the baby: Separation anxiety in parents

Eventually, it will happen: the first extended period without your darling, for example when your grandparents want to give you a break by babysitting for a few hours or when your child is to attend daycare. Finally some time for yourself – isn’t that wonderful? In fact, many parents find separation quite difficult. Especially moms who, through pregnancy and breastfeeding, also feel a close physical connection with their baby often suffer from separation anxiety at the beginning. In this article, you will learn why it is so hard for parents to entrust their baby to someone else and get tips on how to handle the very first separation.

Where does heartbreak come from?

If you find it difficult to entrust your baby to others for a while, that is completely normal. The difficulty in accepting this new situation stems from the human fundamental need to cling to what is familiar. Therefore, separation anxiety is a completely natural process (it is also perfectly normal if letting go feels easier for you). At the same time, the gradual detachment from you is an important developmental step for your little explorer. Only in this way can your child learn to perceive themselves as an independent person, gather new experiences, and establish contacts outside the immediate family.

However, some parents fear that the temporary separation from the close physical bond with their baby may also lead to emotional distance. They worry that their baby might feel abandoned or have doubts whether other people can truly care for their child as well as they do. This can sometimes be accompanied by an underlying fear of losing control: What if the /the caregiver/the do not follow their parenting principles and they cannot intervene? Sometimes, it is simply the realization that the baby is growing older and will no longer need their parents to the same extent that makes letting go difficult.

Often, moms and dads are not fully aware of the reasons for their heartbreak. Here, it can help to honestly ask yourself what exactly it is that keeps you attached to your baby. Once you have identified the cause(s), dealing with the worry becomes easier.

What can I do about it?

The first step is to accept your heartbreak. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty if other parents find it easier to let go. The same naturally applies vice versa: you are not a bad mother/father just because you occasionally enjoy some time without your little explorer. Although feelings here may vary, exchanging experiences with other parents can be helpful. Surely, there are other moms and dads in your environment who have experienced the same worries and can tell you how they handled them. Additionally, it can help to view other caregivers (whether family members, educators, or babysitters) not as substitutes for you but as an enrichment. Firstly, as an enrichment for yourself, since you can use this time to work or simply catch your breath, but also as an enrichment for your baby, who can gather valuable new experiences during this time that they might not have in their usual environment. And finally, be aware that letting go does not mean that you are no longer there for your child or that you abandon them.

How do I prepare myself and my child for the first extended separation?

The following tips can help you prevent or alleviate the pain of separation:

• Take small steps: Nobody expects you to be separated from your baby for an entire afternoon right away. That would be a too abrupt separation process for your little explorer, because of course, they also need to learn to cope with the fact that you are not always with them. First, try out how it feels to go into the next room for half an hour while your child plays with their caregiver. The thought that you could go next door at any time will help you gradually get used to spending time without your baby. Gradually, you can increase this duration until you eventually leave them alone for one to two hours. Many daycare centers, by the way, use similar methods for settling in, as they help not only the parents but also the child to slowly build trust and get used to the new situation.

• Radiate confidence: Children have keen antennas. If you have doubts about leaving your baby alone with another person, they will sense it, and the separation will also be more difficult for them. And if your child doesn't want to let you go, it will naturally make saying goodbye even harder for you. To prevent this vicious cycle from the very beginning, try to approach the new experience positively and also convey this joy and confidence to your little explorer.

• Having an analgesic with you: A comfort blanket or a Photo of your baby Being with you can provide comfort during an acute episode of heartbreak and remind you that you can soon hold your loved one in your arms again.

• Focus on the moment of reunion: Try not to make the temporary separation a big deal for either you or your baby. Instead, emphasize the moment of reunion when saying goodbye: "I'll pick you up again in two hours" sounds much more positive than "I'm gone for two hours now." :)

• Take a break: Even if it is difficult at first: Allow yourself to the Time without your baby to use it carefree for you – whether to focus on your job, run errands, or enjoy some quality time with your partner again. Your child benefits more when you pick them up happy and energized than if you've spent two hours worrying.

Surely it will take some time for you to get used to spending a few hours without your baby. Learning to let go is not a straightforward process and can sometimes be marked by setbacks on both the parents' and the children's side. But you will see, over time your little explorer will enjoy the new contacts and environments more and more, and you will be able to enjoy the newfound freedom even more. And the reunion will be all the more joyful for it! :)