Becoming a father: The second birth

When it comes to topics related to pregnancy and childbirth, it is natural that expectant mothers are often in focus. No wonder, after all, they do something truly amazing during birth. But what about all the dads who support them along the way?

We want to give fathers a voice in this column! Every two weeks, a different dad shares his very personal perspective on the birth. Home or hospital birth? Premature or multiples?

In this issue of the column, two-time dad Dirk from Cologne shares how he experienced the birth of his second child compared to the first.

1. Have you prepared yourself in any way for the birth, and do you feel that it has helped you in any way?

Before the first birth, my wife and I attended a together. Instead of the famous 'panting' that supposedly always takes place in such courses, the focus was actually on relaxation techniques and also on how men can support their wives during delivery. Additionally, the theoretical processes of a birth were explained: , etc. This knowledge gave me a certain reassurance beforehand, but in the delivery room, I still couldn't tell which phase my wife was currently in. ;) In reality, everything turns out quite differently than it is depicted in theory.

I deliberately did not consult any guides or internet forums at the time; I found the childbirth preparation course to be sufficient. Although I did exchange ideas with friends who already had children, it was less about the actual birth process. Since this is a very individual situation, I wouldn't say that these conversations really prepared me much for the delivery.

Before the second birth, my wife and I did not prepare ourselves specifically again, but simply let it happen naturally. In our experience, you worry less the second time around – at least if everything went well with the first child – and generally approach the situation more relaxed.

2. How did the birth go and how did you experience it?

During the first birth, I felt a bit helpless. No one takes care of the man at that moment, since everyone – rightfully so – is busy with the expectant mother. If you're lucky, you still receive whole sentences as commands; otherwise, only individual keywords. Of course, I tried to support my wife in some way, holding her hand, wiping her forehead, encouraging her... I think I actually talked quite a lot to her during the intense phase, but she probably hardly noticed anything because she was in a tunnel. I probably did that more to encourage myself. It's simply an overwhelming moment, unlike anything you've experienced before. Basically, you know what will happen, but then seeing your own wife suffer like that and not being able to gauge what pain she is enduring, and above all, not being able to help her – no one can prepare you for this feeling of helplessness. But it really is, as they always say: the moment the child is there, everything is forgotten.

During the second birth, I then experienced a certain sense of basic relaxation. Since the birth of our son was only 20 months ago, the memories were still very vivid. This uncertainty about what would happen next simply disappeared completely. The duration of the birth is also perceived quite differently. Presumably, the second delivery took about the same time from the first to the last contraction as the first one, but it felt much faster now. My wife probably experienced it a bit differently, but I had the feeling of standing exactly in the same place, in the same delivery room, and performing exactly the same procedures as the first time, only this time with less uncertainty and more routine.

3. Was there something you wanted to do differently after the first birth?

During the first child, I was already on high alert days before the due date and constantly expected a call from my wife at the office telling me it was starting. In fact, we went straight to the hospital at the first mild twinge. But a child doesn't just suddenly come out of nowhere ;) and in retrospect, the longest wait and inability to do anything was the most nerve-wracking part of the birth for me. As a man, you really just sit there passively and drink one coffee after another because you don't know how long you'll have to stay awake.

Therefore, our lesson from the first birth was not to rush to the hospital at the first signs, but to wait a little longer. This was also the case during the birth of our daughter, which was much more relaxed because we knew that there would be some time between the first contraction and the delivery, and we could be at the hospital within fifteen minutes at any time. Instead of pacing through the hospital corridor, we simply stayed at home a little longer, which proved to be the absolutely right decision for us.

4. What would you recommend to other dads for childbirth preparation?

That might sound a bit silly now, but usually as a man, you get a to-do list from your wife before the birth: hanging up a shelf here or assembling the wardrobe for the nursery there… I would recommend to expectant dads not to underestimate these lists from their wives ;) – I've always told all my friends the same. If these things aren't done by the time of the birth, in my experience, they tend to stay unfinished for quite a while. Of course, the focus is initially on the baby, and until the three or four of you have settled into a routine, you neither feel like nor have the time to take care of these things.

Additionally, I would advise expectant fathers to remember that childbirth is a completely natural process that millions of women have already gone through. And whether giving birth in a hospital or a birth center, there is usually highly trained staff on site, ensuring the woman is in good hands. So don't panic, but instead look forward to holding the baby in your arms soon! :)