Work-life balance

Eventually, it happens in almost every family: after parental leave, it's back to work. New questions arise: Can I manage? Will my child be neglected? And how does this affect everyday family life? At LILLYDOO, we believe that you will make the right decisions for yourself and your little explorer. But we also think it can’t hurt to occasionally seek advice from people who deal with these questions daily and are experts in their field.

Our expert is an author and journalist and has published a guide on balancing work and family with "Between Laptop and Lego Bricks." In the LILLYDOO column, she discusses how working together on balancing can make family life easier.

Dear Katharina, why is the compatibility of work and family such an important topic?

If we want to balance work, family, couple time, and self-care, it takes a little and organization. At first glance, this might sound like work – something you might not necessarily associate with family. But the fact is, today we have to keep so many balls in the air and want to do so that it’s impossible without a bit of organization. Living work-life balance, for me, primarily means developing a family system together with your partner in which time as a couple has its space, in which everyone can do something for themselves, in which there is time for quality time with the children, time to develop professionally, and a fairly distributed care work (all activities of caring and looking after). And how can all of this work if you don’t make a plan?

How gender stereotypes influence us

To what extent do traditional gender roles affect this compatibility?

We are all initially shaped by how the division of roles was at our parents' house. This can also include very positive things that we unconsciously accept and take responsibility for. The best examples are birthday tables and Advent calendars. Both are very loving gestures, mostly from mothers, which we may have been allowed to receive ourselves or always found particularly wonderful in others. When you have children yourself, you often want to continue these traditions as a mother because, in the traditional role model, mothers tend to do crafts – and this immediately becomes a big item on the to-do list. It’s not about suddenly no longer crafting an Advent calendar or decorating the table lovingly, but about allowing yourself to buy ready-made theme sets or calendars or simply sharing the responsibility among several shoulders. However, you can also look for new role models yourself and consciously work on not letting yourself be swept away by the whirlwind that automatically comes with having a child, but instead stand together against the wind and see who can keep which part running.

The distribution of the "Mental Load"

You write a lot about the "mental load" in your book. What is that?

In most families, it is the case that one parent, often the mother, functions as the data center of the family. All the wires come together here. The parent knows when the trash bins are emptied, when grandma's birthday is, and what she wishes for, what shoe size the children have, where the swimming rings are, and when the bus tickets need to be renewed. To keep this knowledge constantly accessible, the brain works all the time, updates to-do lists, writes itself little reminders, and provides information. That is the Mental Load.

How can parents recognize that they can still work on compatibility?

In my book, psychologist Anna Wilitzki states that mental load and the associated lack of distribution of tasks and responsibilities can be the biggest crisis for a relationship. So, if one partner feels significantly more responsible and experiences being overwhelmed with their part of the mental load, the family should sit down together and examine where this overwhelm is coming from and how it can be redistributed and shared differently.

Where and how families are being helped

How and where can families get help if the parent couple or the single parent feels overwhelmed?

There are various ways to seek support. If you cannot find the much-discussed village needed to raise a child within your own family, you can, for example, form an alliance with from the daycare or school to cover afternoons or individual days. Another option is to bring in a babysitter or other care help into the family, but of course, this must also be financially feasible. If you are not able or willing to make big leaps, you can familiarize yourself with the concept of "borrowed grandparents." These are seniors who support families voluntarily or for a small expense allowance, especially in cases where there are no longer grandparents or they cannot participate in childcare. Additionally, many family education centers or parent schools regularly offer babysitter courses for children aged 10 and above, who can play in the next room while you need time to work. Often, you can be introduced to a contact there. This often costs less than an adult or even trained babysitter.

Tips for balancing everyday life

As working parents or a working parent, it is easy to struggle with a guilty conscience. Do you have any tips on how to make this perceived burden easier?

Alexa von Heyden beautifully says in my book, "I don't work to upset my child." On the one hand, you can change your own thinking and realize that working is meant to earn money for the family and that you might also want to find some fulfillment in your job – which is completely okay. On the other hand, you can also discuss such topics with children, letting them grow up understanding that work doesn't take anything away from them. A family council can help with this. If you sit down together on Sundays and discuss the week, children can prepare for upcoming appointments and actively participate in shaping the week with their wishes and schedules.

Especially when they let the children be "careed for by others," parents are quickly confronted with negative reactions from outside. How can they deal with this?

Your life, your rules! As long as you feel comfortable with the setup and everything fits your family, that's exactly right. Just remind yourselves of that in such a moment and stay true to yourselves. If someone has a complaint about it and it becomes too much, you can also clearly say: “You don't have to do it the way we do, but it works perfectly for us.”.

Finally: Will you share your best tricks to make work-life balance a success for the whole family?

Bring everyone on board! When we look together at where because, for example, a child takes on a task or we share responsibilities, there is more time for the "nice things." When children are involved in this process in an age-appropriate way, their understanding that certain things simply have to be done increases, and they grow through their tasks.

Thank you very much, dear Katharina Katz, for your valuable tips on balancing work and family! At LILLYDOO, we know that every family finds its own unique way – and that's a good thing! We hope that the tips from our expert will accompany you a little on this journey.