Compare among parents

It is hard to believe how quickly babies and toddlers develop: every day they learn something new and almost burst their parents with pride. Understandably, moms and dads love to share their joy about it. But sometimes this is the starting signal for comparisons between the individual developmental stages of the little ones – and that can be quite annoying. In this article, you will learn why some parents like to compare their children so much and how you can respond to it calmly.

Why do parents compare their children to each other?

Especially in toddlerhood, numerous developmental milestones and "firsts" provide material for comparisons. Whether it's the daycare acclimatization or major milestones like crawling, walking, or talking: many parents proudly share their child's progress. "Oh, he still can't do that on his own? Ours has been doing it forever." you may have heard before and found yourself unintentionally reflecting on them. Or you might have wondered, when thinking about other parents who raise their toddlers bilingually or take them to early musical education, whether your child is missing out because you don't support them in that way. Through social media, where more and more families (seemingly comprehensively) share insights into their lives, this phenomenon is further amplified.

But also in everyday life, on the playground, at the daycare, or at the pediatrician's office, you always meet parents of children the same age, which is not infrequently a cause of comparison stress.

Often, the exchange about the children's progress begins—and necessarily also the comparison—already in infancy. Especially among new parents, sharing about child development is actually a great thing; it often does good and can help with uncertainties. However, if it is accompanied by negative comments and performance comparisons, the mutual exchange has the opposite effect: many parents feel insecure as a result and not only question their parenting style but also their child's abilities. The reason for these (unsolicited) comparisons is usually actually positive, namely the parents' pride in their child. Many do not even realize in the heat of the moment that their praise can unsettle their counterpart. But it can also be their own insecurity and the resulting search for recognition and praise behind it.

Also Laura from the blog has experience with being exposed to comparisons between parents — especially on social media. The influencer has revealed to LILLYDOO how she experiences the constant pressure to compare:

"Unfiltered, the developmental steps of influencers on social media crash down on you. The danger of feeling pressured is even greater here, because alongside the seemingly perfect families who always look nice and where the laundry piles do not grow, you get to see every developmental step of children of the same age live and in color. Toddlers are already eating at the table much earlier, can crawl, speak, or even walk at just a few months old. A short video clip or a photo then completes the guilty conscience. Many questions run through your mind, and faster than you think, you find yourself in direct comparison. A comparison that you cannot win and that leaves an uneasy feeling."

When dealing with social media, Laura advises moms and dads to stay calm:

"Don't worry: Every account on social media is just boiling water, and a photo or a short video doesn't always reflect reality. Don't compare yourself to strangers on the internet, because especially on social media platforms, everyone has their own stage that cannot be compared to reality."

Every child develops individually

Even if numerous tables and guides assign specific developmental milestones to the month: Every child develops completely individually. Tables and the like may be useful as rough guidance, but should not serve as a strict timetable against which you measure your little explorer. Every child has a natural urge to develop further. Some simply skip certain developmental steps and, for example, do not bother with crawling at all until they eventually take their first steps completely on their own. This says nothing about your child's intelligence or future abilities. When your little one is ready for a particular developmental step depends not only on their age but also on the experiences they have had with learning new skills. Every toddler independently seeks out opportunities to acquire new abilities or knowledge. As a parent, you cannot speed up your little explorer's natural development; you can only provide stimulation and support by giving them enough space to explore their innate curiosity. Every child has their own strengths and talents to discover. Recognizing your child's interests and promoting them intentionally will cause the related developmental progress to happen automatically. :)

Tips for a relaxed approach to dealing with other parents

Actually, you know that your little explorer is unique and comparisons with other children are unnecessary. Still, every time other parents start proudly listing the abilities of their favorite, you roll your eyes inwardly. We have compiled some tips to help you handle such situations more easily.

• Disarm others with your honesty to prevent competition from arising in the first place. Bet, that you bring great joy to other parents with a sentence like “How great that Max is already walking confidently, Elisa isn’t quite there yet.”

• Find an environment that supports each other. Try to avoid contact with people who regularly leave you feeling insecure.

• Learn to distinguish helpful advice from pointless tips: You might be surprised that some parenting tips are not so bad after all, if you leave your pride behind.

• Highlight the similarities between your child and other children: What game do they enjoy playing together? Can they learn from each other and motivate one another?

• Compliment other parents sometimes too. They only want the best for their child and, like you, are sometimes unsure in certain situations.

• When in doubt, ask your pediatrician for advice on developmental questions rather than other parents with whom you inevitably compare yourself.

• Don't justify yourself. You know your child best and can assess when they are ready for new experiences. So don't let others talk you into something.

• Also try to be sensitive towards other parents when you speak proudly about your child.

Tips on how to support your child completely calmly

• What does your toddler enjoy most? When do you experience great moments together? Focus on these things instead of the next developmental goal.

• Prefer to miss your child at their own developmental pace rather than comparing them to other children or any average values. This way, you'll likely quickly notice some great things they have learned in the past month.

• Don't try to teach your child something they're not ready for yet. It will only frustrate both of you.

• Be realistic in your expectations of your child. A two-year-old doesn't have to play a musical instrument yet.

• Encourage and praise your child when they explore new experiences with curiosity, and rejoice in everything they learn.

• Encourage your little explorer when something doesn't work out immediately. Explain to them that disappointments are part of the process, but they shouldn't be discouraged by setbacks.

• Encourage your child to play repeatedly with other (same-age) children so they can gain experience in interacting with them and they can support and challenge each other.

Of course, it is important and fills you with pride to observe the development of your little explorer very closely. But let's be honest: grass doesn't grow faster if you pull on it. So the motto is: stay calm. In just two years, you won't be thinking about whether your child took their first steps three months earlier or later. In the meantime, you can simply enjoy discovering new interests and quirks every day that make your toddler so unique.