Adoption and international adoption

On the topic of “Becoming parents and being parents,” entirely new questions often arise, and suddenly you're thinking about subjects you never would have considered before. This is an exciting time, but we also understand if your head starts to spin at some point! At LILLYDOO, we know that there are many different, colorful, and individual family structures. We care about them all. No matter how you shape your very personal family happiness, it can never hurt to hear advice from experts. This column is also meant to be a place for that.

If a couple has an unfulfilled desire to have children, there is an alternative besides : adopting a foster or adopted child. Berit Haas is the head of the in Heidelberg and has three adopted children and a foster child herself. In this article, she answers the most important questions about the adoption process.

Adoption and foster parenting

What is actually the difference between a foster child and an adopted child?

Parents who take in a foster child enter into a contract with the state regarding an educational mandate. They have parental duties, but the rights remain with the biological parents or with the youth welfare office or the legal guardian if custody has been revoked. The biological parents always have the right to contact and to the child's return. The placement of foster children in a foster family is always done in the best interest of the child, but unfortunately often without the consent of the biological parents – which can sometimes lead to conflicts. However, the state also bears part of the responsibility for this and must intervene if there are problems within the foster family.

The situation is different with adoption. Adopted children are treated equally to biological children; the parents have full parental rights in all areas. The child remains their child for their entire life. This provides the children and the whole family with a lot of emotional security, as the family structure is permanent.

The application process

What do parents need to do to apply for an adoption?

In both cases (applying as a foster family and as adoptive parents), you need to submit an application to the youth welfare office. Then, there will be quite a bit of paperwork. The following documents are required:

• Resumes

• Proof of income, assets, and any debts

• Identity documents such as ID card or passport

• Birth certificates

• Registration certificates and extended criminal record certificates

• Health certificates and medical certificates

• Marriage certificate or civil partnership certificate

Additionally, in discussions with professionals, the couple's living environment is discussed. This includes, among other things, their family background, their networking in the workplace and neighborhood, as well as their ideas about upbringing. The couple must then attend seminars and courses on everyday life and the challenges with an adopted child.

The Adoption Process

How does the adoption of a child proceed?

First, it is important to know that there are different forms of adoption release, which regulate the relationship between biological and adoptive families:

• The Incognito Adoption: The biological mother remains anonymous, and the biological mother and the adoptive family never make contact with each other. Although the child has the right to access files at the youth welfare office at age 18, if the biological mother has provided no or incorrect information, contact is often impossible.

• The Confidential Adoption: The data of the mother are stored here but remain confidential until the child's 18th birthday.

• The semi-open adoption: Here, the adoptive parents can contact the biological mother through the adoption agency.

• The open adoption: Here, the biological and the adoptive family know each other and may even have regular contact.

In Germany, apart from relative adoptions, there are rarely any other domestic adoptions. They often occur when the pregnant woman notices too late that she is pregnant or when it is clear from the outset that an abortion is not an option. The decision to place a child for adoption is usually very well considered and reflected upon over months.

It is important to provide good and intensive support to the relinquishing mother and to make her aware that she will always remain a mother and that she will be important for the child later on. This support is provided by social workers from the youth welfare office, upon the request of the relinquishing mother. Unfortunately, this often presents a hurdle, because in the first few weeks, many mothers tend to suppress all feelings. However, thoughts and worries will come back eventually, and finding someone to talk to can be very difficult – especially when the only option is the youth welfare office. An additional low-threshold offer of conversation partners, also through independent organizations, would be important here.

Adoption approval can be a relief and a solution to a major problem, but biological mother and child still remain connected. Because both sides will not forget this event and will think about how the other is doing over the years. It is nice when there is a casual connection between the families and questions can be clarified (semi-open and open adoption). Ongoing support for the family is also important here, as this is often a challenging situation even for the adoptive parents.

The international adoption

Are there alternatives to adoption within Germany if there are so few adopted children there?

Yes. International adoption has now become an alternative for many couples, partly because the age limits for applicants are somewhat higher there. Officially, there is no age limit in Germany either, but since there are too many applicant couples in Germany (often one child for every ten to fifteen potential adoptive parents), many youth welfare offices set their own maximum age for applicant couples.

Abroad, the ratio is more balanced; however, there are also hardly any infants coming from abroad. The minimum age of children from most countries open to adoption is around two to three years. First, it must be proven that no relatives wish to take in the child and that no local, regional, or supra-regional couple wants to adopt the child. Only after all these options have been thoroughly checked can the child be placed in Germany – of course, this takes some time.

Where can parents planning an international adoption turn to?

Even if an international adoption is planned, the first point of contact for the prospective parents is the youth welfare office. At the same time, they can also apply to independent agencies for an adoption. There are eight independent agencies in Germany that have been approved for international adoption and are supervised by the state. All of them work for applicants from all over Germany but facilitate adoptions from different countries. The applicant couple first chooses a suitable agency and a suitable country and then contacts the local youth welfare office for the social report. The youth welfare office and the independent agency are obliged to exchange information collegially; for this, the couple must release them from their confidentiality obligation.

What qualifications should couples planning to adopt have?

Unfortunately, especially with infants, we rarely know what happened to the children in the past and, above all, during pregnancy. Often, the mother is under great stress and has negative thoughts regarding the pregnancy. This can also affect the baby. Alcohol and drug abuse unfortunately also occur. The earlier a child experiences trauma (and this can already be prenatal), the more sustainably it influences their later behaviors. The good news is: the example and upbringing provided by the adoptive parents also influence many things and help the child greatly in processing and healing past experiences.

It is also important that both parents wish to adopt and that the decision is not forced by one of the partners. A well-coordinated, reliable couple relationship is a prerequisite for successful adoption. The children must feel safe and loved, regardless of their behavior. Appreciative inclusion of the biological family and the child's roots is equally important, whether you know them or not. The child remains a part of them forever. In international adoption, it is crucial that the parents feel comfortable in the child's country of origin and would enjoy spending vacations there, because occasional visits to the country of origin are helpful and important for the children.

How do you decide which child fits with which set of parents?

As an independent agency and also as staff members of the Youth Office, we conduct intensive interviews with the applicant couples. Additionally, we hold mandatory seminars for applicants. This allows us to get to know the potential adoptive parents and to form an impression of their characteristics, resilience, hobbies, daily routines, family structures, and so on. Furthermore, the families document their everyday life and living circumstances with photos. This is complemented by a social report from the Youth Office, for example regarding behavioral patterns and character traits. These documents are then sent to the "Matching Team" abroad for comparison with the files of the children the parents need. Similar preferences and traits, sometimes also certain physical similarities, lead to a perfect match. Special attention is paid to the needs of the child in all cases – we find parents for children in need, not the other way around. Ultimately, the new family should be able to remain together forever.

If the team abroad has made a decision, the proposal comes to us and we check whether it fits and complies with all our requirements. Then we forward it to the regional youth office of the applicants, their local youth office, and our regional youth office, which is our supervisory authority. Only when everyone has approved do we invite the applicants for an interview and hand over the child proposal with all the details.

Adoption as a single parent

Can I, as a single parent, adopt a child / take in a foster child?

In Germany yes, abroad only conditionally and upon request. It largely depends on the regulations and often also on the religious or spiritual background of the respective country. The same applies to same-sex couples, for whom unfortunately even fewer countries are possible. However, both single parents and same-sex couples can apply to become foster parents here in Germany.

Checklist for prospective adoptive parents

And finally: What advice would you give to couples planning an adoption on their journey?

Families considering adoption, I would like to provide the following checklist:

• Always consider possible situations of mothers who give their child up for adoption. Why do they do it? How difficult do you think it is for them? How would you personally want to approach them? What would you want to ask?

• Write a fictional letter to the mother of your future child. This helps to establish a foundation for a better understanding of the child and sharpens understanding and empathy for the biological family.

• Be aware that your child – no matter how small – is an individual with their own personality that cannot be molded.

• Give the child the chance to develop freely.

• Carefully choose a country of origin in the case of an international adoption, where you feel comfortable and would like to visit. It remains a part of your life for a lifetime.

• Maintain your romantic relationship and do not solely mutate into Mom and Dad; create sources of strength for yourselves. Honesty and trust will carry you through important decisions. Pull together, do not let yourselves be manipulated, be lovingly consistent.

• Work on your inviolability, because you will have to listen to many very hurtful remarks from the child. They don't really apply to you, but process the inner anger at the decisions of the biological parents and are an expression of powerlessness and helplessness.

• Stay humorous and cool, and occasionally incorporate your roots and country of origin appreciatively into everyday conversations.

• Connect with other adoptive families, it helps you and especially the children.

Thank you to Berit Haas for the conversation and the insight into the work of an adoption agency. Whether adoption or foster parenting is an option for you and your family is a decision that should be carefully considered. Don't hesitate to seek help and ask questions. The professionals at adoption agencies and youth welfare offices are there for that! This way, you gain confidence and trust in the development of your very individual family life. We wish you the best of luck!