Your path: parental leave – long or short?

In family life, you repeatedly find yourself in situations where you have to make a decision and ask yourself, "What is the best for my child?". When well-meaning advice from your environment and self-proclaimed experts also come into play, it can be quite unsettling.

There is usually not just one correct answer. Instead, each family must find their own, individual way. We say: it's time to be yourself. With LILLYDOO. That’s why in this series of articles, we want to talk with moms and dads about various major parenting questions and hear how they made their decisions.

This includes, especially in the first years with a baby, the question of organizing the . Balancing family and work is not always easy. In Germany, statutory parental leave offers moms and dads the opportunity to take up to three years off from work. Support in the form of is available for up to 14 months, after which parental leave is unpaid. For many parents, the decision of when to return to work depends not only on financial aspects but also on personal considerations. We spoke with two moms who shared how long they took parental leave, what they value about their personal decision, and what they would wish to do differently.

Johanna with Ferdinand (6 months), is on parental leave for three years

„My husband and I have always been clear that we want to give our child as much intensive quality time together as possible. Therefore, after the birth of our son, I decided to take three years of parental leave, the maximum currently possible in Germany. My husband also took two months of parental leave in parallel, one of which was immediately after the birth. That was a great relief for us. Suddenly, you are a mom/dad and actually don't really know what to do. At least we were together and could approach the new role of mom and dad together. We totally enjoyed this first shared time.“

I have realized how important it is for me to give my son this time. He learns so much, and every day so many new things happen that I don't want to miss. Time passes so quickly anyway, so why shouldn't I take the time with my child whenever I have the chance? Of course, sometimes it feels like I am going stir-crazy when every day revolves around the child. But I also have plans every day, and there is always something to do; it never gets boring.

When I announced my pregnancy to my employer, I immediately had a conversation with the HR department, during which I was informed about the options for parental leave and was able to ask questions. I also did some research online and received some brochures that explained everything very well. Because we knew from the beginning that we wanted to take a long parental leave, we mainly just checked whether everything was possible as we wished and how to best divide the parental leave between us, since it is also linked to the parental allowance. My husband would have also liked to stay longer with our son, but that option would have been difficult to arrange with his employer. He was the first to take parental leave there at all. That’s why we decided against it. But also, my desire to breastfeed exclusively if possible influenced our decision for my longer break.

In the current situation, I can't imagine going back to work at all. Of course, I don't know what it will look like in one or two years. I really enjoyed my job, but right now I am really enjoying being a mom. I would probably be sitting at work all day thinking about what I am missing out on and how my child is doing. Switching constantly between work and motherhood, and having to switch to being a mother after a long workday, I imagine is quite difficult.

When meeting other parents, one of the first questions is usually "And, how long are you on parental leave?". In our circle of acquaintances, I am the only one who stays at home for three years, and many react with surprise. Some stay at home for a year, but two years is already less common. There are some parents who would have liked to stay longer at home but decided against it. The most common concerns, in my opinion, are work and the fear of falling behind due to a prolonged break. Of course, financial reasons can also play a role, but a large part say that they would like to return to work soon, even without external pressure. I always knew for myself that when I have a child, I want to be there for them for as long as possible; I consciously chose to become a mother. The financial aspect was always secondary for us. But of course, this depends very much on the situation and is not possible for everyone.

I want to give my child and myself quality time together. But whether it's long or short: the opportunity to take parental leave at all is a real gift.

Daniela with Marie (7 years), Linda (5 years), and Henry (3 years) returned to work after a six-week break following the first two births.

In 2011, I started my own business as a communication consultant, and less than a year later, our first daughter Marie was born. I deliberately chose to become self-employed because I wanted to have children without being bound to the rigid structures of a permanent job. I believe that for parents, self-employment is easier than being an employee, where one is often bound by strict conventions and fixed working hours. If I had had children while working as a permanent employee, I would be worried about not being able to return to the same position after parental leave. My older daughter says, "Mom, when I grow up, I will also be the boss" – the children see that it is completely normal to have your own business and to perform well there. As a permanent employee, I would probably find it difficult to get a job with three young children, especially one that allows me to work in a way that suits me and fits our family. I think the legal maternity protection is good, but as a self-employed person, I don’t have to adhere to it. I earn money whenever I want and was able to schedule my parental leave freely each time.

Of course, self-employment is also very demanding and only works if both parents pull together: My husband has taken a large part of the parental leave for each child and is also supporting me now. We agreed that I work and he stays at home with the children until they are all in school.

During my first pregnancy, I worked until one day before the birth and resumed work six weeks afterward. I had just secured a large project, so it was clear that my husband would mostly take care of our daughter. To continue breastfeeding, I took Marie to some appointments. My husband then waited with her in a conference room, and when it was time to nurse, I would go over briefly. That worked, was well planned, and I enjoyed working again from the very beginning. Of course, I had the flexibility to work from home. I also made good use of this with my other children, working a lot in the evenings and at night or while they were sleeping. My clients responded wonderfully and thought it was great to see that I am still flexible even with children.

With Henry, I consciously decided to take parental leave and declined the major projects. I was out for 16 months, mainly dedicated to the baby and really enjoyed not working much. Reintegrating fully after this time was the biggest adjustment and difficult for me and my son. When you spend over a year intensively with your child and the entire family, you don't really want to leave this nest again. But as a mom, you probably always feel guilty, no matter when you return to work. Now I try to be at clients' sites a maximum of three days a week and work from home the rest of the time.

The disadvantage is that I, for example, missed Linda's first steps and only noticed them in the evening when I got home. But these are also moments that every father who goes to work misses. For us, at that time, it simply made sense that my husband would stop working for the time being. It was not even a big question, and I do not regret the decision at all.

We have only received positive reactions regarding our division of roles from our environment; our acquaintances see that everything is going well and that we are satisfied. However, I have the feeling that many families still do not dare to do this or that external conditions make it more difficult for them. Therefore, I would like more companies to show flexibility, making it more natural for men to take more than two months of parental leave, and for flexible working arrangements for parents to be possible beyond that. Home office should no longer be questioned in the age of digitalization.

My advice to other parents is to prioritize life. That means not letting work dictate your time, but organizing work in a way that fits the family. When you become parents, you are primarily there for the child – but that doesn't mean you can't also work.

Time to be yourself

Thank you to Johanna and Daniela for sharing their personal parental leave stories with us. The two moms have stayed at home for different lengths of time (or still are), dedicating this period entirely to their children. However, they have one thing in common: for both Johanna and Daniela, their family clearly comes first.

Many parents and especially mothers feel pressured to meet certain expectations – whether it's caring for their child themselves for as long as possible or returning to work quickly. As with many other questions about parenthood, there is no one-size-fits-all solution here either. Trust your gut feeling and, if necessary, discuss with your partner which model is right for you. We wish you that you can take exactly the time with your baby that feels right for you!