Preparation for the little sibling

Once you have a baby, completely new questions will arise in your life, and suddenly you'll be thinking about topics you never would have considered before. It's a wonderful, exciting time, but we also understand if your head starts to spin at some point!

At LILLYDOO, we believe that you will surely make the right decisions for yourself and your little explorer. But also that it doesn't hurt to occasionally seek advice from people who deal with these questions daily and are experts in their field. That's why, in this series of articles, we want to ask experts the questions about pregnancy, birth, and parenthood that all of us have on our minds.

With the first child, many things change: suddenly, this little person becomes the new center of the family. But with the second child, the situation changes again, because now a baby demands everyone's attention once more, and the first child, who previously had their parents all to themselves, becomes a big sister/brother. Many moms and dads then ask themselves questions like: How will my child react to the new sibling? Can I do justice to both? How can I make the transition easier for my first child? Sissi Rasche, who works as a midwife, not only guides families through their new situation in her daily life, but she is also a mother of three children herself. In this article, she offers tips for preparing for the new sibling and shares her own experiences.

Dear Sissi, you have three children yourself. What are your experiences with your children's reactions to the second or third sibling?

The gap between my first two children is relatively short—one year and nine months—so the first period was quite intense. My eldest, Hugo, was still very young when his sister Cleo was born and therefore couldn't really express his feelings properly yet. There were no problems at all when Cleo was born. When our third child, Lilo, was born, her siblings were six and seven years old, so much older. They could understand a lot and participated in the pregnancy and birth from the very beginning. It went very well, and there was no jealousy among the children. Still, with three children, it's naturally more challenging to give everyone their space. My personal goal is therefore to spend exclusive time with each of the three from time to time.

How did you tell your children that a sibling is on the way?

When I was pregnant with our little daughter Lilo, we as a family sat down and my husband and I told our children that I was still carrying a baby in my belly. We explained to them that our midwife would be visiting more often now and asked if they wanted to be present during the check-ups. From the beginning, we also discussed together that — provided everything goes well — we would plan a and that the children could be there for everything if they wanted to. This suggestion was met with approval from them, and the two older ones were very excited about their new sibling from the start. Surely, this is also because they were already six and seven years old and had always been exposed to the topic of pregnancy and birth through my profession.

What are typical concerns of parents expecting their second child, and what advice do you give them?

Especially when the first child is not yet independent, many parents have concerns about how they will manage everyday life with two children. It is then important to support each other and not hesitate to ask for help. Many parents also cannot imagine that they can love their second baby just as much as the first, as the first one is already so perfect. I can only say: Even if you can't imagine it, once the baby is here, the love is not divided but doubled and equally shared between both children. Sometimes one receives a little more attention, and sometimes the other, but it always balances out again.

How can parents involve their child during pregnancy and prepare as a family for the arrival of the new sibling?

You can involve children wonderfully in pregnancy care, childbirth, and the postpartum period. During pregnancy, expectant mothers can, for example, take their child with them to ultrasound appointments whenever possible. Of course, this isn't always feasible, but it's worth discussing with the midwife or doctor whether it might be possible from time to time. Books on the topic are also a great way to explain to the child what is happening inside the mother's body and what they can expect from the little sibling. Many children want to know exactly how it all works and what the baby is doing in the belly – so it's important to explain a lot and to read to them. It is also helpful for the child to get to know the midwife and learn that she accompanies the mother during pregnancy and makes sure she is doing well during childbirth.

What are the biggest changes a child experiences when they get a sibling?

Depending on their age, it may initially be incomprehensible for the older child why the new sibling suddenly becomes part of the family and turns the familiar daily routine upside down. You can think of it roughly as if the partner brought home a new person and said: "They now live with us, share our bed and our daily life." Everyone would probably look at that strangely at first! That’s why it is important for parents to support their child well during the transition and ensure that they continue to feel just as loved and not neglected.

From your daily life as a midwife: What are typical reactions of older siblings to a new sibling before and after birth?

The reactions are quite varied. Some children no longer sleep through the night and wake up again. Some want the pacifier they have long since given up, others want to be breastfed again like the new baby. Some children exhibit strong aggression or wet the bed more frequently at night. The reactions to the new family constellation are individual, but all are completely normal. It is important to keep a close eye on them and to get to know the child's feelings and reactions. Only then can parents interpret their older child's behavior and respond appropriately.

How does the age gap influence your sibling relationship, in your experience?

From my experience as a midwife and mother, I can say: The younger the child, the easier it is. Until the age of two, children still cannot distinguish between mine and yours, cannot speak properly yet, and cannot express their feelings. At the same time, it is naturally a challenge for parents to care for two diaper or breastfeeding children. Between the ages of two and five, a very intense phase usually begins, during which the transition to a little sister or brother is more difficult. But even for older children, who for example have been an only child for seven years, it is not so easy at first to adjust after so many years "on the throne." They often miss the usual exclusive time with their parents more strongly and find it harder to accept the change. The older the child is at the birth of the sibling, the more topics need to be discussed. Every age gap therefore presents its own unique challenges.

How can I combine everyday life with a child and the needs of the newborn, especially during the postpartum period?

I always recommend that families clarify in advance how the new mother can be supported during the postpartum period, either through family assistance or a household help. The task of caring for the older child can also be delegated to family or friends during this time. At the same time, the older sister/brother does not always have to be "organized away," but can also be wonderfully included in the postpartum period: for example, they can always hand over a fresh diaper while changing the baby. This way, the child feels that they are still loved and needed, and that they are a valuable help. This is very important, and I often notice how much it benefits the older children to be able to offer advice and support. You can also give them specific tasks, such as asking them to remember the type of chocolate the mother likes when shopping. As a midwife, I always give the older children the task of telling me if the mother has done too much instead of resting. At the same time, the older sister/brother should also have exclusive time with the parents. For example, during breastfeeding, you can enjoy a book with the older child, or spend quiet time together in bed or on the sofa during the postpartum period, playing card games or engaging in other calm activities. Lastly, I advise parents to relieve themselves of pressure. Everything doesn’t have to be perfect all the time, and the apartment can also be a bit messy. Simply being aware of this reduces a lot of stress—and without pressure, everything runs more smoothly.

How can I make the transition easier for my child?

Parents can primarily support their child during the transition by always taking their feelings seriously and responding to them. Whether it's aggression or sadness: all feelings should be addressed in an age-appropriate manner. When the child feels seen and understood, and you discuss together what might help them, many things become easier. It is also important not to exclude the older child, but to involve them as much as possible around the new sibling – of course, always age-appropriately. Parents demonstrate great trust to their older child when they let them hold the baby or place them on a blanket in the nursery while playing – the older siblings can feel this trust.

What can I do if the older sister/the older brother reacts拒绝 or jealous?

Even if the older child reacts with jealousy, parents should acknowledge these feelings and support their child through them. They can then ask themselves: Where can I give them time and space for exclusive moments together? Can I, for example, cuddle my child peacefully or put them to bed as a mom, while my partner takes care of the baby in the carrier? At the same time, parents should not stress if friends or family occasionally step in: it’s not necessarily about the quantity, but rather the quality of the time spent together.

Thank you very much, dear Sissi, for sharing not only your professional advice but also your very personal experiences with us. Few relationships are as intense and formative in the early years as those with one's own siblings. And as a new mother/father of multiple children, you can do a lot to help the older child find their new role as big sister/big brother. We wish you and your family all the best for the exciting first time with your new family member!