Congratulations, you're going to be a dad! You're probably on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and countless questions are running through your mind: Will I be a good father? How can I support my pregnant partner? How will our relationship change? In this article, Heike vom Heede shares tips for this special and unique time, along with suggestions for how you and your partner can enjoy the pregnancy together and how you can grow into your role as a father.

Our LILLYDOO expert Heike vom Heede is a graduate social pedagogue and, at her Family Institute Heike vom Heede in Düsseldorf, offers pregnancy and parenting support as well as individual family counseling on all questions related to nutrition, family life, and parenting. In her Parenting Course she prepares expectant parents comprehensively for the time after birth and for life with a newborn, covering topics related to baby care, health prevention, as well as parenthood and staying partners.

Tips for finding your way into the father role

The moment when the test is positive triggers different reactions in everyone—some feel overwhelmed, while others are simply surprised. Of course, it’s wonderful if you can celebrate this special moment with your partner. Hold her in your arms and honestly tell her how you're feeling right now. She’s probably even more excited than you; after all, a new life is growing inside her.

Now an exciting and emotional time begins. With my tips, I want to help you settle into the role of father with confidence.

Sort your thoughts

My first piece of advice for expectant fathers is to catch your breath first after you’ve celebrated the positive test: go for a walk or a jog to clear your head before you spread the news . As a second step, write down what fatherhood means to you and what you associate with the word “Papa.” Consider how you see yourself as a father to a toddler and to an older child.

Get tips from a father

Do you have a good relationship with your own father or father-in-law? Then ask them how they grew into their role as a father. For example, talk about what your father wanted to pass on to you and whether he would have liked to do anything differently. A conversation with a friend who has already become a father—or is about to—can also help. What matters is that you exchange ideas with like-minded people, and that this is not about giving advice, but about listening . This way, you can discover what resonates with you (and what doesn’t) and gather inspiration around the topic of being a dad.

Learn to deal with your fears and worries

Here, too, pen and paper can help: write down your fears and worries so you can see them more clearly. Try to let go of the head cinema. If you have specific questions, you can ask them at your next gynecological visit or discuss them with your midwife. Talking to qualified professionals helps many expectant fathers feel calmer. It can also be helpful to accompany your partner to the prenatal classes to learn more about pregnancy and the process of birth .

Find contact with your baby

From the beginning, gently place your hands on your partner's stomach and leave them there for 10 to 20 minutes. This helps you start building a bond with your baby early on. The further the pregnancy progresses, the more you’ll notice your little explorer snuggling into your hands. Your partner can also feel supported by your touch. This can trigger feelings of happiness, and with these wonderful emotions, your shared bridge into parenthood grows.

Likewise, plan one to two hours each day after the birth when your baby, dressed only in a diaper, lies on you while you hold them and simply enjoy the moment. Feel free to include your partner in this cuddle time, too.

Visit a baby store

Maybe you’ll go shopping on your own early in the pregnancy for the first romper or the first little hat . Think about how small your baby will be and what they will be the first to wear —this can stir up emotions, and you might even surprise yourself with how you feel. And it’s exactly this overwhelming feeling of “I’m going to be a father” that your partner will notice. It will do her good to see how happy you are about becoming a dad.

Tips to support your partner and strengthen the relationship

Not only can finding your own role as a father be challenging, but pregnancy itself can be, too. You may be needed from the very beginning to support your partner—and that is a wonderful task.

Here are some tips on how you can help your partner and enjoy this unique time together.

Accept help

You don't have to do everything alone—especially if your partner is having a difficult pregnancy. She might even be bedridden at times and need extra support. Feel free to bring a good friend or the family on board.

Don't forget to take care of yourself throughout the pregnancy. Take some space to breathe and keep up with your favorite sport, for example. When you can step back from a situation, you’re often able to handle it much better afterward.

Surprise her with little things

With small gestures, you can bring joy to your partner: a nicely set breakfast table or morning tea in bed. A little something else can also do the trick. Compliment her more often, and hug her more than usual. Cuddle and pamper your partner, and try to understand her emotional ups and downs.

Take care of the organizational stuff

Not only can you support your partner physically and emotionally, but you can also help with everything else: shared budget planning , the setup of the children's room and the purchase of the initial equipment . You can also start planning for the time after the birth. Especially then, a well-organized household is very important. The rooms where you spend most of your time should feel comfortable, because chaos creates unrest, and it becomes harder to enjoy each other’s company. So it’s best to plan in advance who can help you with household chores or how you will divide the tasks. It’s also wise to decide ahead of time where your love spot should be, because a drying rack in the bedroom or the children's bed can dampen the romantic mood.

Talk about uncertainties

It's okay if you occasionally feel overwhelmed during pregnancy. If you have moments of helplessness, talk about them with your partner and ask what you can do to help her feel better . Sit down together, hold each other, and talk. The clearer you communicate, the stronger your bridge of togetherness becomes.

Introduces a culture of conflict

During pregnancy, there may be times when disagreements arise more quickly. It can feel a bit like puberty. You need to rediscover each other and get to know one another again—after all, you don’t yet know each other as an expectant father or mother.

Disagreement is allowed . It often creates a new bond, and after a thunderstorm, the air between you usually clears again. During pregnancy, it helps if you resolve disagreements by moving closer to your partner . Take a moment to step back from the situation and then return to it, instead of insisting on your point of view. Always look for a way to come together. A shared culture of conflict can help with this. For example, agree on a rule not to go to bed without talking things through, so you can start the new day well. This way, disagreements won’t take up too much space in your relationship.

However, if you feel stuck in ongoing disputes, dare to seek help . This could include offers such as a video call with me, a visit to a counseling center , or conversations with friends and family who may have been in a similar situation before.

Try a new kind of closeness

During pregnancy, your partner may not feel like being close or intimate. This is naturally difficult, but you should definitely not take her lack of desire personally or feel offended. Show understanding instead of blaming her or putting pressure on her.

Through loving language you can find your way back to more closeness and tenderness. For example, tell her what you like about her, how much you miss her touch, and how much you enjoy feeling her hand on your arm. Help your partner understand that you’re longing for closeness, not necessarily eroticism. Before you touch her, always ask whether it’s okay in that moment. And it’s also very important to occasionally practice wordless communication : look deeply into each other’s eyes and wait to see what happens. Often, it tingles just like before—I wish you that!

And another tip for togetherness: watch a nice movie together and cuddle while you do. I highly recommend the movie “Babys”.

Learn more about how intimacy changes in the articles "" and "".

Be happy that the dream of a family has become reality, and allow a little bit of the cheesy romance novel into your life. I wish you a wonderful start to fatherhood!