Your path: Second child – is there the right age gap?

In family life, you repeatedly find yourself in situations where you have to make a decision and ask yourself, "What is the best for my child?". When well-meaning advice from your environment and self-proclaimed experts also come into play, it can be quite unsettling.

There is usually not just one correct answer. Instead, each family must find their own, individual way. We say: it's time to be yourself. With LILLYDOO. That’s why in this series of articles, we want to talk with moms and dads about various major parenting questions and hear how they made their decisions.

Many parents know from their own experience that the timing and occurrence of a pregnancy cannot always be planned precisely. Some couples have to wait a long time for a positive pregnancy test, while for others it is an absolute surprise. And yet, if another child is planned, most parents probably think about the ideal gap between siblings. Let me say this upfront: there is no one "right" age gap – and of course, a sibling is not a must. :) The distance that suits you and your family is completely individual and depends on many factors. Don’t put pressure on yourself if the desire to have children isn’t fulfilled as quickly as planned, and don’t let yourself be unsettled if the sibling arrives sooner than expected. Every gap has its advantages and disadvantages – the most important thing is that you are happy as a family.

In this article, two LILLYDOO moms share how much time they wanted between their children and what their family situation looks like now.

Lisa-Marie had Luuk (3) and Mina (2) within 15 months.

"I always wished to have two children in quick succession and was happy that it actually happened. When I got pregnant for the second time, Luuk was just six months old, and we were surprised that it happened so quickly again. The reactions from our environment were mixed. Some commented that it was very quick and they couldn't imagine it. Nowadays, I mostly receive respect rather than reactions; many people admire how we manage to handle everything."

The second pregnancy was quite exhausting at first: I had a big belly, but also a baby who wanted to be in my arms. On the other hand, the nine months flew by. I didn't have time for any ailments and was much more active until the very end than during the first pregnancy. Of course, my son couldn't understand yet that a second baby would soon be here. I talked to my midwife about how he might take it. When Mina was ten days old, she gave me the tip to simply put the baby in my son's bed in the morning. At first, I was skeptical, but I followed her advice. From then on, they loved each other and were always together. My son sat on the changing table with me when I changed Mina, they bathed together, and even now they do everything together. It's so wonderful to see! My son no longer knows anything different; he can't remember a time without his sister. I believe that a gap of three or more years would have made the transition more difficult for him because he would have had us all to himself for so long. I think the short interval is perfect for the children. They can play together really well, but only since my daughter can walk can they really do something with each other.

I have to say, I didn't perceive the developmental phase my son was in as intensely when my daughter was born. I notice it now, as my daughter is the same age he was back then. If you only have a small child, you probably experience it more intensely. Of course, organizing things with only one child would also be easier; they could go to grandma and grandpa, and I would have two hours for myself. So I always have to accommodate two children at once. However, I think the age difference doesn't play a big role; there are always limitations.

I still have two small children who want to be held. Sometimes one just has to wait. My son has learned this early on, but it hasn't harmed him—in fact, quite the opposite! He is very sensitive and treats his sister considerately. Sometimes I even think that as the older brother, he should bother her a little more. ;) Of course, their relationship could still change, but I hope that they grow up like friends.

Other parents facing a similar situation, I would advise to involve the older child from the very beginning. If they notice that they have to hold back with the new sibling, I can imagine that jealousy might develop more quickly. I think it's important to do things together, bring the children together, and show them trust.

In general, I believe that no one should pass judgment on the age difference between siblings; each family should decide that individually for themselves.

There are eight years between Anett's daughters Emma (9) and Selma (1.5).

"I deliberately chose the large age gap because I wanted to have enough time for my daughters. My older one, Emma, was quite easy to care for as a baby, but she was also often sick. Having two young children at the same time was not an option for me. Managing household, work, and two toddlers is difficult. I have respect for the parents who manage it. Additionally, we bought and renovated a house and wanted to create a nice environment first before considering a second child with a bit more time. Another reason was that I wanted to re-enter the workforce. I am fully employed and pursuing my master craftsman qualification; with two small children, I would have had to pause initially. Of course, the financial aspect also plays a role. Maintaining a certain standard and enabling activities like small outings would have been difficult for us if I had taken a break from work with two small children."

We wanted to have our second child only when Emma was in school. In the end, she was eight when her sister Selma was born, and she was able to truly enjoy the time with us beforehand. In the meantime, Emma didn't want a sibling anymore. Although the transition was initially difficult for her, she was overjoyed when her sister was born and has taken great care of her from the very beginning. Our environment also didn't react strangely to us having another child after eight years. Everyone was happy for us!

The time when our second daughter was born was very exhausting, among other things because I was fully breastfeeding.
I was still completely relaxed and didn't worry so much about many things anymore.
I knew what was coming.
It was nice to be at home with the older one again during parental leave.
However, my little one is an absolute Mama's girl and demands a lot of attention.
Emma still has to put up with some things, but she understands a lot and has become very independent.
Overall, I can focus on Selma or sometimes leave her to her big sister.
I know I can rely on her and do something else in the meantime.
Of course, I can only judge this from my own perspective, but the age difference couldn't be better.
The little one idolizes her big sister and wants to imitate everything – exactly as you would wish.
Still, the two are extremely different, and there is sometimes shouting.
Conflicts probably can't be avoided with any sibling pair, no matter how big the age difference is.

I would advise parents who are considering family planning to first wait and see how things go with the first child, and then decide when the second should follow. Some children are very easy to care for, while others may initially require a lot of attention. Therefore, in my opinion, the most important tip is not to be influenced by any supposedly ideal age gaps, but to listen to your own gut feeling.

Time to be yourself

Thank you very much to Lisa-Marie and Anett for giving us an insight into their family life. Even if the age gap between the children of the two moms is so different, the families are not so different upon closer inspection: the siblings are there for each other – even if there are occasional disagreements. The parents are happy with their little explorers – even if they sometimes feel exhausted. Family life with multiple children probably offers as many beautiful moments as challenges. The right time for the second child is therefore different for each family – and also the answer to the question of whether there is even a desire for more children. Ultimately, only one thing matters: family is family, and the relationship between siblings will always be something very special, regardless of how large or small the age difference is.