Nonviolent Communication with Children

In everyday family life, many new questions often arise, and suddenly you're dealing with topics you never would have thought of before. This is an exciting time, but we also understand if your head starts to spin at some point! At LILLYDOO, we know that this daily life, as beautiful as it is, is not always easy. That's why we speak with experts about ways to maintain family happiness even in challenging moments.

Our Expert works as an educational counselor and offers a for communicating with children. Non-violent communication with children is especially close to her heart, as it not only helps save time and nerves but also strengthens the bond and trust within the family. In the LILLYDOO column, she discusses the fundamentals of this communication principle.

The fundamentals of nonviolent communication

What are the fundamentals of nonviolent communication?

Nonviolent Communication (or NVC) is based on Gandhi's concept of nonviolence. It was developed around 1980 by Marshall B. Rosenberg. Rosenberg himself describes NVC as a “concept for trust and joy”. NVC is much more than a communication method. It is a way of approaching life, a peaceful worldview, mindful interaction with oneself, and above all, an open and empathetic attitude towards all other people. In the field of education, it is closely connected with . In NVC, it is assumed that conflicts can be resolved when people manage to connect and interact empathetically. If you can find out what your counterpart currently needs, if you are also aware of your own feelings and needs, and if you involve your fellow human beings, big and small, in this process. The most fitting image to describe the NVC method, in my opinion, is “sitting together in a boat”. The idea that your child and you are together in this challenging situation and aim to emerge from it united and strengthened. And that you never distance yourselves from each other, speak dismissively, threaten, or punish during this process.

The Nonviolent Communication in Practice

How can I implement nonviolent communication with very young children?

Since NVC is not just a communication method, there is no single moment when you can start using it effectively. It is an impulse to change your fundamental attitude. Therefore, it is worthwhile in any case to engage with it from the very beginning. However, it is a process, as most of us grew up with the "alienating way of communication," as Rosenberg calls it. That means learning NVC can quite be compared to learning a new language. It doesn't happen in a crash course either, but requires intensive engagement and some practice.

Does nonviolent communication only begin when you actually need to scold?

Here is the clear answer: No. The NVC "always" "works". Of course, you can use it especially in conflicts to, for example, de-escalate, but you can also use it in harmonious moments, by, for example, communicating your own joy about the harmony and questioning the feelings of the other person. "I'm having so much fun playing with you here. Do you enjoy it just as much?" As I said, it's primarily about connection, about the shared experience, and about verbalizing and exchanging emotions – in my opinion, there are no inappropriate moments for that.

What can I do to implement nonviolent communication in everyday life?

To answer this question, in my opinion, one should consider the two major misunderstandings in human communication that can be resolved with the help of NVC:

1. When my counterpart speaks, I am mentally with myself.

2. When I speak, I am mentally with my interlocutor.

Regarding the first point: “Speaking” can here be understood as “communication” and any form of body language. When a child cries, screams, or hits, the first step is not about offering a solution or stopping the behavior, because I am either disturbed by it or I do not want my child to be sad or angry. It is primarily about being mentally and energetically present with the child. Of course, you can ask older children in such situations about their feelings and needs (“What happened that you are so sad/angry? Can I help you? What would help you right now? What do we want to do?”). You can always put children's feelings into words and mirror them so that the child gains access to them (“You are very sad right now, I see/understand that. Oh, something really upset you. You are very tense, I think you are angry.”). And no matter how old a child is, they are always helped when they can feel your presence, affection, and empathy (“I am with you. I am staying with you. You are safe. I love you”). In this way, you connect with your child in times of need.

Regarding the second point: When parents scold (or even when adults discuss with each other), they often use You-messages. (“You did xy and I don't like it. Stop doing xy.”). They are therefore not "centered" at all. The question arises: What is your impulsive reaction when someone makes a reproach to you? Most people feel attacked and respond with justifications, denial, withdrawal, or counterattacks – and children are no different. By making accusations, threats, or applying pressure, we usually achieve nothing because the relationship level is disturbed, and children only do what we want out of fear of punishment and consequences. If we refrain from these things, focus on ourselves, speak from the I-perspective, and take the wind out of a potential conflict’s sails. Because hardly anyone can counter the own perspective – not even emotionally.

The 4 steps of NVC help us when formulating I-messages:

• Observation (What happened?)

• Feeling (How am I doing because of this?)

• Need (What do I need?)

• Please (What do I wish for in that moment from my child?

You should of course always put this message into your own authentic words, and the order or completeness of the four steps is not necessarily important. It should not be recited as a formula! But for example, instead of saying "Hier wird nicht gerannt." you could say: "Please walk slowly. It is important to me that you look out for each other."

Does nonviolent communication have its limits?

What should I do if I feel like I can't make progress with nonviolent communication anymore?

That can of course happen. The nonviolent communication is, after all, not a magic trick. But children often respond much better to a nonviolent/empathic I-message than to an unthoughtful demand or even to scolding, because they can understand it better. Another side effect: when I say what I want from my I-perspective and also look for a reason for it, I pay much more attention to what I want from the child. If I can't explain it myself, how can I expect my child to respond as desired?

Nevertheless, it is clear that children do not always listen. However, in NVC this is not the primary goal. Through this type of communication, even in seemingly "messy" situations, the relationship is strengthened because the focus is on connection. The child unconsciously absorbs: No matter what happens, here is a person who is important to me and who cares about me and my emotions, and who also confides in me with their own emotions. This imprint is, in my opinion, incredibly important for child development.

By the way, depending on the age of the child, I also find it a way to reflect together afterwards. You could, for example, say: “Wow, that didn’t go well this morning. The situation was quite stressful for me and I got annoyed. I'm sorry I was so loud. How was it for you?” Of course, it’s important to adjust the wording to the child’s age here as well.

How can I, as a parent, stay calm in communication when I feel that my child is only provoking me?

I like the question about provocation. Often, it's an argument not to address the child's needs more closely. "It just wants to provoke." Or also: "It just wants attention." Both can be absolutely valid. But the question is: Why does it provoke? What reaction from me is it trying to provoke? Why does it need this behavior from me? Again, attitude is important here. Is your child just testing its limits? No, your child is testing the stability of your relationship. It wants to make sure that you stay, that you love it, no matter what it "does". It provokes because it wants to see how you react. And if you (regardless of the actual situation) respond with love and affection, your child will be reassured and will be positively influenced for the future.

Tips for non-violent communication with children

Do you have specific tips for parents who want to consciously engage in NVC with their child/children?

Read a lot about it, understand the attitude, and choose love. In my experience, the first necessary step for most people is to access their own emotions. Ask yourself: Why do certain behaviors bother me? Why do I wish for different behaviors? How do I feel in certain situations? What do I need to feel good?

Children often find this easier than adults because this access to their own feelings has been trained out of most adults over the course of their lives. Through well-meaning phrases like “That’s not so bad.”, we have learned that our emotions are inappropriate. By the time we reach school, this pressure begins to work, and it only increases in the working world. So, we unlearn how to perceive them at all. This means that often it’s not about how we speak to children, but about perceiving ourselves. The good news is: if I decide to formulate an I message that includes my own feelings and needs, I first have to ask myself what I am really after. This way, I gain a connection to myself and can also invite my child to do the same. Because one thing I still want to say is: Children generally cooperate willingly. They like harmony and are often much more social than adults. If we give them the opportunity to understand why we desire certain things from them, they often also enjoy working with us to find solutions together. For those who want to continue learning about this, I recommend the book "Project Giraffentraum" by Frank Gaschler, for nonviolent communication within the family, and of course my online course. Conflict Resolver ".

Thank you, Hannah, for these wonderful insights into nonviolent communication and conflict resolution in everyday family life!