Attachment-oriented parenting – what exactly is it?

Once you have a baby, entirely new questions will arise in your life, and suddenly you'll be thinking about topics you never would have considered before. It's an exciting, wonderful time, but we also understand if your head starts to spin after a while! At LILLYDOO, we believe that you will undoubtedly make the right decisions for yourself and your little explorer. But we also think it can never hurt to occasionally seek advice from people who deal with these questions daily and are experts in their field. That's why in this series of articles, we want to ask experts the questions about pregnancy, birth, and parenthood that are on all of our minds.

Maybe you've already heard or read about attachment-oriented parenting at the daycare, on the playground, or on social media. But what exactly is it? In this article, you'll learn what the parenting model is all about and what it is based on. Author and expert Nora Imlau also answers the most important questions around the topic of attachment-oriented parenting and provides practical tips on how to implement it in everyday family life. The concept of attachment-oriented parenting is not very old: it is based on the educational theory "Attachment Parenting" developed in the 1980s by American pediatrician William Sears. To understand attachment-oriented parenting, it is therefore helpful to first get an idea of what Attachment Parenting actually is.

Attachment Parenting

What is Attachment Parenting?

The most important principle of Attachment Parenting is the positive bond between parent and child. It is achieved through the parents' (especially the mother's) maximally responsive and attentive behavior to the child's needs, that is, the willingness to respond to all needs and of the child. The foundation of Attachment Parenting is based on the so-called "7 Baby-Bs," which are rooted in the basic needs of the baby:

1. Birth Bonding: Immediate skin and eye contact between mother and child after birth

2. Breastfeeding: Breastfeeding on demand

3. Babywearing: Wearing the baby as often as possible

4. Bedsharing: Co-sleeping in the family bed

5. Belief in Baby’s Cries: Taking babies' crying seriously as an expression of their needs

6. Vorsicht vor Baby-Trainer: Refusal of sleep training

7. Balance and Boundaries: Perceiving one's own needs and respecting one's own boundaries

Most parents probably agree on how important a loving environment and physical as well as emotional closeness are for the healthy development of a child. Nevertheless, the parenting concept of Attachment Parenting is often debated controversially. Individual decisions such as natural birth instead of cesarean section, co-sleeping instead of a crib, or breastfeeding instead of formula are considered by critics to become dogmatic principles within Attachment Parenting. Instead of fostering the relationship between parents and child, the parenting concept is said to often instill a bad conscience particularly in mothers and to be generally misogynistic, according to the criticism.

Attachment-oriented parenting

What is attachment-oriented parenting?

In German, attachment parenting is often translated as "bindungsorientierte Elternschaft." Although there are parallels, bindungsorientierte Elternschaft is not based on a clear set of rules but rather aims to provide a guideline for orientation in family life.

Why is attachment so important for children, especially in the first year of life?

Because during this time, the fundamental trust is formed, which carries children throughout their entire lives. A secure attachment as a foundation is the best starting point for a successful life.

Is there a difference between attachment parenting and attachment-oriented parenting?

There is a clear definition for the former by William Sears; the latter is more of a collective term that is used differently depending on the sender. The commonality is the ideal of shaping the parent-child relationship in such a way that everyday interactions promote a secure attachment.

Attachment-oriented parenting is now a familiar term for many moms and dads – at the same time, the topic is being discussed controversially. What does attachment-oriented parenting mean to you?

I have a very open understanding of attachment-oriented parenting. For me, it's not a checklist to be fulfilled, but a fundamental attitude: My child is a full-fledged person, and our interaction should be characterized by appreciation and respect for all family members. This includes, for me, respecting children's needs, such as the need for closeness and security, but also providing space for the needs of the adults. Attachment-oriented parenting, for me, is not defined by breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping, and abstaining from any care outside the family in the first years.

Many new parents are surely glad to have such a "guide" as a reference, while others might also feel uncertain because they cannot implement all the "rules." What would you give these parents as advice?

That there are no rules. Instead, it is an attitude that can give children and parents stability and strength because it does not focus on parenting tricks and does not stage power struggles, but says: The decisive thing is always how everyone in the family can get along well with each other.

That’s the theory – but what does attachment-oriented parenting look like in everyday life with a baby? The Norwegian traditional company conducted an online survey with 1,000 parents and gained exciting insights into the topics of closeness, family table, introducing solid foods, sleep, sustainability, and purchasing behavior. The result: many parents wish for more closeness with their child. At the same time, many new moms and dads feel uncertain when it comes to baby sleep or introducing solid foods. Nora Imlau explains how parents can implement attachment-oriented parenting in their daily lives without feeling pressured, and reveals why togetherness is more important than perfection.

Sleeping is an important and often emotional topic. Two-thirds of all surveyed parents say that their baby sleeps better near them, and just over 67 percent of children up to two years old sleep near their parents (in the family bed or in their own bed in the parents' room). At the same time, 33 percent of parents have already tried some form of sleep training with their child. In your opinion, what is important when it comes to the topic of sleep?

It is very important to free yourself from the fear of spoiling. Children do not become dependent when we meet their need for closeness and security. On the contrary: fulfilled needs make you strong. And those who were allowed to sleep close to their parents as young children find it easier to sleep in their own bed later. With a flexible bed like the Sleepi from Stokke, you can even combine both – initially as a cradle or co-sleeper near the parents, and later it remains the familiar sleeping place in their own room.

20 percent of parents say they would like to be closer to their child. The most common answers to the question of what they would like to do to improve their relationship with their child are family outings, travels, cuddling, and shared meals. Do you have any advice for parents on how they can strengthen their bond with their child and build closeness even in the sometimes hectic everyday life?

Often, it doesn't take elaborate actions to be close to each other. Very simple and bonding are, for example, bed edge conversations, short moments at the family table where we share about the day, cuddle, and pay attention to each other. Closeness ultimately arises when our children feel that we are interested in them and their lives and have time for them. And from this closeness, a connection develops that gives children confidence for their future life.

What should be considered when starting complementary feeding with a bonding-oriented approach?

That a lot of communication is involved when learning to eat. Children show exactly when they are ready for the first bites, whether they want to be fed or prefer to eat by themselves. Any form of pressure and coercion is counterproductive. Instead, it is wonderful to have shared meals where we sit together at the family table, stay in contact, and don't pay too much attention to how much the little one is actually eating. Because we simply enjoy spending this time together.

For many parents and children, mealtime at the family table means a time of coming together as a family. However, one in three parents also finds eating with their child stressful at times and doesn't get to eat in peace themselves. What can moms and dads do to make shared meals more relaxed for everyone involved?

The dining table should not be a battleground for discipline. This is not primarily about politeness and fancy manners, but about togetherness. Many parents find it easier to enjoy a meal themselves when they let their little ones eat on their own, as it usually takes longer than feeding them. What helps is a certain tolerance for mess and stains. Children want to explore food with all their senses, which is completely normal. The more relaxed we stay about it, the better the atmosphere at the table.

Thank you very much to Nora Imlau for the interview and the exciting and insightful insights into the topic of attachment-oriented parenting. With a piece of advice to all parents who are wondering whether this parenting concept is also suitable for them, we would like to leave the final word to the author herself: "I definitely think that every family can practice attachment-oriented parenting in everyday life. Because there is no criteria catalog to work through, but ultimately it’s about a change in mindset: moving away from the idea of controlling children and expecting them to listen, towards a respectful coexistence based on closeness, respect, and trust. I wish that all parents and children can take this step."