Baby's development: why is it useless to compare?

Stay calm when comparing your child’s development to others

It’s hard to believe how quickly babies and young children develop. Every day, they learn something new and make their parents proud. It’s only natural that moms and dads enjoy sharing these little joys with one another. But sometimes, those conversations can become the starting point for comparisons between different stages of children’s development...

In this article, we explain why some parents compare their children and how you can respond calmly.

Why do parents compare their babies' development with each other?

For very young children, the many developmental stages and “firsts” offer plenty of opportunities for comparison. Whether it’s adjusting to daycare or reaching major milestones like crawling, walking, or talking, many parents proudly share their child’s progress. “Oh! They don’t do it on their own yet? Ours has been doing it for ages.” Perhaps you’ve already heard a phrase like this—one that made you stop and think. You may even have wondered whether your child was missing something because you weren’t raising them the same way as parents who teach their children two languages or take them to early music classes.

In everyday life—at the playground, at daycare, or even in the pediatrician’s waiting room—you’re constantly meeting parents of children the same age, which can sometimes lead to stressful comparisons.

These conversations about children’s progress by age are especially common among new parents. Milestones can feel like major achievements, and talking about them can help ease uncertainty. However, when these exchanges include negative comments and performance comparisons, they can have the opposite effect—sparking worry and self-doubt, not only about your parenting approach but also about your child’s abilities. In the moment, many people don’t even realize that their praise can make others feel insecure. This phenomenon is further amplified by social media, where more and more families share a so-called “real” glimpse into their daily lives.

Melissa and Denis from the YouTube channel , parents of four children, shared their experience with us. She explains the pressure she can sometimes feel and advises parents to stay calm:

« It’s true that sometimes it’s stressful to talk with someone else and see that their child has reached this or that milestone while ours hasn’t yet. We end up wondering if we’re doing the right thing or, worse, if our child has something wrong since the other child of the same age has already managed to acquire a skill we were eager to see develop, like walking or language, for example. If it starts to resemble a form of competition and makes us feel uncomfortable or, worse, causes us to doubt our baby’s abilities or health, it’s better to make a quick exit and end the conversation before it becomes more anxiety-provoking. On the other hand, our own pride as parents can sometimes lead us to boast a little too loudly about our little ones’ achievements, even though our words might have a worrying or belittling effect on others. It’s not easy to contain our joy and pride when we see our children’s accomplishments, but in some cases, it’s better to hold back a bit so as not to worry or diminish others... »

Denis

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Comparisons are inevitable. Sometimes we even make them between our own children when we have more than one... and ultimately, that isn’t necessarily harmful. For example, it allowed us to "motivate" our second child to learn to crawl through small exercises when we noticed he was frustrated that he couldn’t move around the house, while his older sibling had done so at a younger age. By comparing their experiences in a healthy way, we tried a few small things... and it worked: within a few days, he succeeded! But when it happens in conversations with other parents, it’s a different matter, I believe. The most important thing is to consider the feelings of the person you’re talking to: comparing is fine as long as it’s done with kindness and without judgment. Sometimes, it can also help you understand how others approached introducing this or that to their little ones, and it can be a chance to share experiences and tips.

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Each child follows their own development

Even if many charts and guides assign certain developmental stages to a specific month, each child develops at their own pace. These charts and guides can offer a general reference, but they should never be used as a roadmap for evaluating your child. Every toddler follows their own path; for example, some children skip stages such as crawling and go straight to taking their first steps. But this is in no way a sign of greater intelligence or ability.

When a child is ready for their next step depends not only on age, but also on the experience they gain while learning a new skill. Every young child is driven to learn through their own initiative. As a parent, you can’t speed up your little explorer’s natural development, but you can encourage and support them by giving them enough space to follow their innate curiosity. Your child has their own talents for you to discover. When you recognize those strengths and encourage them in a thoughtful way, they’ll develop them in their own time! :)

Tips for interacting with other parents about baby development

You know your little adventurer is unique, and that comparing them to other children is pointless. Still, it can be hard not to react when other parents start proudly listing their toddler’s abilities. We’ve gathered a few tips to help you handle these situations:

  • Désamorcez les autres avec honnêteté pour éviter la pression de la compétition. Vous pouvez faire plaisir à d’autres parents avec une phrase comme : « C’est merveilleux qu’Oscar marche déjà, Louise n’est pas encore prête. »

  • Rejoignez un groupe qui se soutient mutuellement et évitez le contact avec les personnes qui vous laissent régulièrement dans le doute.

  • Learn to distinguish helpful advice from unhelpful advice . If you set your pride aside, you might be surprised to find that some parenting tips aren’t so bad.

  • Highlight the similarities between your child and others

    Quels jeux aiment-ils jouer ensemble ? Peuvent-ils apprendre l'un de l'autre et s'inspirer mutuellement ?

  • Compliment the other parents as well. After all, they only want the best for their child, and like you, they may feel unsure of themselves in certain situations.

  • If you have doubts about your child’s development, it’s best to ask your pediatrician rather than other parents you may inevitably compare yourself with.

  • Don't justify yourself . You know your child better than anyone else, so you’re the best person to judge when your little one is ready to try new things.

  • Try to be sensitive to other parents when you talk about your .

Tips to encourage and help your baby in a relaxed way.

  • What does your little one especially enjoy? When do you share special moments together? Focus on those things rather than the next developmental milestone.

  • Look at your child’s rhythm rather than anyone else’s—or any average. You’ll quickly notice all the new skills they’ve gained over the past month.

  • Don’t try to teach your child something they aren’t ready for. It will only frustrate both of you.

  • Be realistic in your expectations of your child. A two-year-old doesn’t need to know how to play a musical instrument yet.

  • Encourage and praise your little one when they’re curious to try something on their own, and celebrate everything they learn.

  • Encourage your little adventurer when something doesn’t work the first time. Explain that disappointments are part of the learning process, and that setbacks don’t mean they should give up.

  • Let him play with children the same age so he can gain experience through interaction with others and naturally challenge himself to succeed.

Of course, it’s important to follow your little adventurer’s development—especially when it fills you with pride. But let’s be honest: you don’t pull on a flower to make it grow. Stay calm and trust your little one. In a few years, you won’t worry anymore about whether your child took their first steps at 12 months or later. In the meantime, try to enjoy all the daily discoveries, interests, and quirks that make your child so unique.