When it comes to “becoming parents and being parents,” entirely new questions often arise, and suddenly you’re thinking about topics you never would have considered before. This is an exciting time, but we also understand if your head starts to spin at some point! At LILLYDOO, we know there are many different, colorful, and individual family structures—and we care about them all. No matter how you shape your very personal family happiness, it never hurts to hear advice from experts. This column is meant to be a place for that, too.

If a couple has an unfulfilled desire to have children, there is an alternative besides biological parenthood: adopting a foster child or an adopted child. Berit Haas is the head of the adoption agency in Heidelberg and has three adopted children and a foster child herself. In this article, she answers the most important questions about the adoption process.

Adoption and foster parenting

What is the difference between a foster child and an adopted child?

Parents who take in a foster child enter into a contract with the state regarding an educational mandate. They take on parental responsibilities, but the rights remain with the biological parents—or with the youth welfare office or a legal guardian if custody has been revoked. The biological parents always have the right to contact and to the child’s return. The placement of foster children in a foster family is always done in the best interest of the child, but unfortunately often without the consent of the biological parents, which can sometimes lead to conflicts. However, the state also bears part of the responsibility and must intervene if there are problems within the foster family.

The situation is different with adoption. Adopted children are treated the same as biological children; the parents have full parental rights in all areas. The child remains their child for their entire life. This provides the children and the whole family with a great deal of emotional security, as the family structure is permanent.

The application process

What do parents need to do to apply for an adoption?

In both cases (applying as a foster family and as adoptive parents), you need to submit an application to the youth welfare office. After that, there will be quite a bit of paperwork. The following documents are required:

• Resumes

• Proof of income, assets, and any debts

• Identity documents such as an ID card or passport

• Birth certificates

• Registration certificates and extended criminal record certificates

• Health certificates and medical certificates

• Marriage certificate or civil partnership certificate

In addition, professionals will discuss the couple’s living environment with them. This includes, among other things, their family background, their connections at work and in the neighborhood, and their ideas about parenting. The couple must then attend seminars and courses on everyday life and the challenges of raising an adopted child.

The Adoption Process

How does the adoption of a child proceed?

First, it is important to know that there are different forms of adoption release, which regulate the relationship between biological and adoptive families:

• The Incognito Adoption: The biological mother remains anonymous, and the biological mother and the adoptive family never make contact with each other. Although the child has the right to access files at the youth welfare office at age 18, if the biological mother has provided no or incorrect information, contact is often impossible.

• The Confidential Adoption: The mother’s data are stored but remain confidential until the child’s 18th birthday.

• The semi-open adoption: Here, the adoptive parents can contact the biological mother through the adoption agency.

• The open adoption: Here, the biological family and the adoptive family know each other and may even have regular contact.

In Germany, apart from relative adoptions, there are rarely any other domestic adoptions. They often occur when the pregnant woman realizes too late that she is pregnant or when it is clear from the outset that an abortion is not an option. The decision to place a child for adoption is usually very carefully considered and reflected upon over months.

It is important to provide good, intensive support to the relinquishing mother and to help her understand that she will always remain a mother and that she will be important for the child later on. This support is provided by social workers from the youth welfare office, at the request of the relinquishing mother. Unfortunately, this often presents a hurdle, because in the first few weeks many mothers tend to suppress their feelings. However, thoughts and worries will return eventually, and finding someone to talk to can be very difficult—especially when the only option is the youth welfare office. An additional low-threshold offer of conversation partners, including through independent organizations, would be important here.

Adoption approval can be a relief and a solution to a major problem, but the biological mother and child still remain connected, because neither side will forget this event. Over the years, both will wonder how the other is doing. It is helpful when there is a casual connection between the families and questions can be clarified (semi-open and open adoption). Ongoing support for the family is important here as well, as this can be a challenging situation even for the adoptive parents.

The international adoption

Are there alternatives to adoption within Germany if there are so few adopted children there?

Yes. International adoption has become an alternative for many couples, partly because the age limits for applicants are somewhat higher. Officially, there is no age limit in Germany either, but since there are too many applicant couples (often one child for every ten to fifteen potential adoptive parents), many youth welfare offices set their own maximum age for applicants.

Abroad, the ratio is more balanced; however, there are also hardly any infants coming from abroad. In most countries open to adoption, the minimum age of children is around two to three years. First, it must be proven that no relatives wish to take in the child and that no local, regional, or supra-regional couple wants to adopt the child. Only after all these options have been thoroughly checked can the child be placed in Germany—of course, this takes time.

Where can parents planning an international adoption turn to?

Even if you are planning an international adoption, your first point of contact is the youth welfare office. At the same time, you can also apply to independent agencies for an adoption. There are eight independent agencies in Germany approved for international adoption and supervised by the state. All of them work with applicants from across Germany, but they facilitate adoptions from different countries. The applicant couple first chooses a suitable agency and a suitable country and then contacts the local youth welfare office for the social report. The youth welfare office and the independent agency are obliged to exchange information collegially; for this, the couple must release them from their confidentiality obligation.

What qualifications should couples planning to adopt have?

Unfortunately, especially with infants, we rarely know what happened to the children in the past and, above all, during pregnancy. Often, the mother is under great stress and has negative thoughts about the pregnancy. This can also affect the baby. Alcohol and drug abuse can unfortunately occur as well. The earlier a child experiences trauma (and this can already be prenatal), the more sustainably it influences their later behavior. The good news is that the example and upbringing provided by the adoptive parents also influence many things and can greatly help the child process and heal from past experiences.

It is also important that both parents want to adopt and that the decision is not pushed by one partner. A well-coordinated, reliable relationship is a prerequisite for a successful adoption. Children must feel safe and loved, regardless of their behavior. Appreciative inclusion of the biological family and the child’s roots is equally important, whether you know them or not. The child remains a part of them forever. In international adoption, it is crucial that the parents feel comfortable in the child’s country of origin and would enjoy spending vacations there, because occasional visits to the country of origin are helpful and important for the children.

How do you decide which child fits with which set of parents?

As an independent agency, and also as staff members of the Youth Office, we conduct intensive interviews with applicant couples. In addition, we hold mandatory seminars for applicants. This allows us to get to know potential adoptive parents and form an impression of their characteristics, resilience, hobbies, daily routines, family structures, and more. Families also document their everyday life and living circumstances with photos. This is complemented by a social report from the Youth Office, for example regarding behavioral patterns and character traits. These documents are then sent to the “Matching Team” abroad for comparison with the files of the children who need parents. Similar preferences and traits, and sometimes certain physical similarities, can lead to a perfect match. In all cases, special attention is paid to the needs of the child—we find parents for children in need, not the other way around. Ultimately, the new family should be able to stay together forever.

If the team abroad has made a decision, the proposal comes to us, and we check whether it fits and meets all our requirements. Then we forward it to the applicants’ regional youth office, their local youth office, and our regional youth office, which is our supervisory authority. Only when everyone has approved do we invite the applicants for an interview and hand over the child proposal with all the details.

Adoption as a single parent

Can you, as a single parent, adopt a child / take in a foster child?

In Germany, yes; abroad, only conditionally and upon request. It largely depends on the regulations and often also on the religious or spiritual background of the respective country. The same applies to same-sex couples, for whom unfortunately even fewer countries are possible. However, both single parents and same-sex couples can apply to become foster parents here in Germany.

Checklist for prospective adoptive parents

And finally: What advice would you give to couples planning an adoption on their journey?

For families considering adoption, I would like to share the following checklist:

• Always consider the possible situations of mothers who place their child for adoption. Why do they do it? How difficult do you think it is for them? How would you want to approach them? What would you want to ask?

• Write a fictional letter to the mother of your future child. This helps create a foundation for better understanding of the child and deepens your empathy for the biological family.

• Remember that your child—no matter how small—is an individual with their own personality and cannot be molded.

• Give the child the chance to develop freely.

• If you are pursuing an international adoption, choose a country of origin carefully—one where you feel comfortable and would like to visit. It will remain part of your life for a lifetime.

• Nurture your romantic relationship and don’t let yourselves become only Mom and Dad; create sources of strength for yourselves. Honesty and trust will carry you through important decisions. Stick together, don’t let yourselves be manipulated, and be lovingly consistent.

• Work on your resilience, because you will have to hear many very hurtful remarks from the child. They aren’t truly about you; they reflect the child’s inner anger about the decisions of the biological parents and are an expression of powerlessness and helplessness.

• Stay humorous and calm, and occasionally incorporate the child’s roots and country of origin appreciatively into everyday conversations.

• Connect with other adoptive families; it helps you and, especially, the children.

Thank you to Berit Haas for the conversation and for the insight into the work of an adoption agency. Whether adoption or foster parenting is an option for you and your family is a decision that should be carefully considered. Don’t hesitate to seek help and ask questions. The professionals at adoption agencies and youth welfare offices are there for that. This way, you can gain confidence and trust as you build your very individual family life. We wish you the best of luck!