When it comes to pregnancy and childbirth, it’s natural that expectant mothers are often the focus. No wonder—after all, they do something truly amazing during birth. But what about all the dads who support them along the way?

We want to give fathers a voice in this column! Every two weeks, a different dad shares his very personal perspective on birth. Home or hospital birth? Premature baby or multiples? Home or hospital birth? Preemies or multiples? Water birth or Cesarean section ? Our LILLYDOO dads share their very personal birth experiences and have plenty to tell.

Tilman from Crailsheim became a father again at the age of 54. In this column, he reveals why he made this decision more than 30 years after the birth of his first daughter—and why he believes calmness is the most important part of preparing for childbirth.

1. HAVE YOU PREPARED IN ANY WAY FOR THE BIRTH AND DO YOU FEEL THAT IT HAS DONE SOMETHING FOR YOU?

My wife attended a childbirth preparation course where fathers were occasionally allowed to participate. That gave me the chance to exchange ideas with other parents. Otherwise, we bought a few books on the topic and looked things up whenever a question came up. And of course, we did some research online, too. Overall, that was pretty much the only preparation I did. Since my wife and I both tend to overthink things, we tried to approach birth preparation casually and not worry too much in advance.

2. HOW DID THE BIRTH GO AND HOW DID YOU EXPERIENCE IT?

With my first daughter, I wasn’t present at the birth. Back then, it wasn’t common—or even desired—for the husband to witness the birth. These days, there has definitely been a paradigm shift, and I think that’s a good thing. My then-girlfriend and I were still very young when she became pregnant. Unfortunately, my older daughter was placed in foster care as she grew up and was raised almost entirely without me. That fact definitely contributed to my decision to become a father again so late: this time, I wanted to experience everything very consciously.

During Maja's birth, the contractions started around 6 p.m. Thanks to the childbirth preparation course, we knew we could take our time, so we didn’t go to the hospital until 11 p.m. By then, the contractions were already coming every three minutes. Originally, my wife preferred a cesarean section because, as a physiotherapist, she was well (perhaps too well?) informed about the possible complications of a natural birth. However, after visiting the clinic during pregnancy, she changed her mind and decided to try for a vaginal delivery after all.

We stayed in a family room in the delivery ward, and my wife was initially given pain medication in the hope that she could at least get some sleep—which isn’t easy with the beeping of the contraction monitor. I was able to sleep a bit better, since men are generally known to have an easier time with that. ;) But even after waking up, it was a matter of waiting, waiting, waiting. Despite the pushing contractions, our little one didn’t descend any further. When the doctor eventually started eyeing the drawer labeled "Suction Cup," we decided it didn’t make sense to wait any longer and that we would prefer a cesarean section. I was allowed to be present in the operating room to support my wife by holding her hand (a spinal anesthesia had been administered earlier, so general anesthesia wasn’t necessary). That made the delivery feel quite drawn out. Overall, it was 24 hours of labor before a cesarean section was finally necessary. In hindsight, the cesarean was definitely the right decision because, according to the midwife’s assessment of Maja’s condition, she probably wouldn’t have come through the delivery unscathed with the use of the suction cup.

3. IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WOULD DO DIFFERENTLY AT YOUR NEXT BIRTH?

Now, purely hypothetically: no. Our motto has always been, "Calm parents make for peaceful children." Our goal was to enjoy those first bonding moments after birth completely relaxed and stress-free. Our daughter spent her first night on my chest—an incredible experience, having this little one sleeping on me. We also had a family room in the hospital after the cesarean section. During the five days we still had to stay in the clinic, we had it all to ourselves, without disturbances. We didn’t see the nurses and midwives as a disturbance; they helped us work through the initial uncertainties and contributed to a calm, relaxed atmosphere.

Our daughter’s development seems to confirm our thesis. ;) We have a really well-behaved, easy-to-care-for child. Here’s an original quote from my father when he held the little one for the first time after three months, during a moment when she wasn’t feeling so well: "I’m hearing her cry for the first time now."

I also believe that my age has definitely made me more relaxed—both during and after childbirth. It’s not always easy to stay calm, because it naturally puts pressure on you when the baby is crying. But with age, you learn to tell yourself, “This is a phase; it will pass.” And of course, you can then pass that inner calm on to your child.

4. WHAT WOULD YOU RECOMMEND TO OTHER DADS FOR BIRTH PREPARATION?

My tip is more about the time after the birth, and it’s actually quite simple: Try to be a steady source of support—a pillar, and also a bit of a sounding board—for your wife. In my experience, that’s the best way to support her after the birth. Approaching the situation with a calm attitude is one side of it; on the other, you’re faced with a flood of new emotions that need to be processed first.

As a new parent, you can quickly reach the point of feeling overwhelmed. Through breastfeeding, the mother spends even more intensive time with the child, which can lead to even greater sleep deprivation. It helps if you, as the father, are the calming influence who conveys that there’s no reason for a nervous breakdown. ;) An environment (friends, family) that offers supportive help is also valuable in this situation.

Sometimes, as a new mom, self-doubt can creep in with the thought, "Can I handle all of this?"—even though it really isn’t necessary. I’ve noticed that when I give my wife positive feedback, telling her she’s doing well and that we’re managing it together, her calmness returns, too. And at the latest, when our daughter flashes her charming smile again, almost everything is forgotten anyway.