In everyday family life, many new questions arise, and suddenly you’re dealing with topics you never would have considered before. It’s an exciting time, but we understand if your head starts to spin at some point. At LILLYDOO, we know that daily life—beautiful as it is—isn’t always easy. That’s why we speak with experts about ways to maintain family happiness, even in challenging moments.

Our expert works as an educational counselor and offers a course on communicating with children. Nonviolent communication with children is especially close to her heart, as it not only saves time and nerves but also strengthens the bond and trust within the family. In the LILLYDOO column, she discusses the fundamentals of this communication approach.

The fundamentals of nonviolent communication

What are the fundamentals of nonviolent communication?

Nonviolent Communication (or NVC) is based on Gandhi’s concept of nonviolence. It was developed around 1980 by Marshall B. Rosenberg. Rosenberg himself describes NVC as a “concept for trust and joy.” NVC is much more than a communication method. It is a way of approaching life, a peaceful worldview, mindful interaction with oneself, and above all, an open and empathetic attitude toward other people. In the field of education, it is closely connected with . In NVC, it is assumed that conflicts can be resolved when people manage to connect and interact empathetically—when you can find out what your counterpart currently needs, when you are also aware of your own feelings and needs, and when you involve your fellow human beings, big and small, in this process. The most fitting image to describe the NVC method, in my opinion, is “sitting together in a boat”: the idea that you and your child are in this challenging situation together and aim to come through it united and strengthened—and that you never distance yourselves from each other, speak dismissively, threaten, or punish during the process.

The Nonviolent Communication in Practice

How can you implement nonviolent communication with very young children?

Since NVC is not just a communication method, there is no single moment when you can start using it effectively. It is an impulse to change your fundamental attitude. That’s why it’s worthwhile to engage with it from the very beginning. However, it is a process, as most of us grew up with the “alienating way of communication,” as Rosenberg calls it. In that sense, learning NVC can be compared to learning a new language. It doesn’t happen in a crash course; it requires intensive engagement and practice.

Does nonviolent communication only begin when you actually need to scold?

Here is the clear answer: No. NVC “always” “works.” Of course, you can use it especially in conflicts—for example, to de-escalate—but you can also use it in harmonious moments, for instance by expressing your own joy about the harmony and asking about the other person’s feelings. “I’m having so much fun playing with you. Are you enjoying it just as much?” As I said, it’s primarily about connection, shared experience, and verbalizing and exchanging emotions—in my opinion, there are no inappropriate moments for that.

What can you do to implement nonviolent communication in everyday life?

To answer this question, in my opinion, it helps to consider two major misunderstandings in human communication that can be resolved with the help of NVC:

1. When my counterpart speaks, I am mentally with myself.

2. When I speak, I am mentally with my interlocutor.

Regarding the first point: “Speaking” can be understood here as “communication,” including any form of body language. When a child cries, screams, or hits, the first step is not about offering a solution or stopping the behavior—whether because you feel disturbed by it or because you don’t want your child to be sad or angry. It is primarily about being mentally and energetically present with the child. Of course, you can ask older children in such situations about their feelings and needs (“What happened that you are so sad/angry? Can I help you? What would help you right now? What do we want to do?”). You can always put children’s feelings into words and mirror them so the child can access them (“You are very sad right now; I see/understand that. Oh, something really upset you. You are very tense; I think you are angry.”). And no matter how old a child is, they are always helped when they can feel your presence, affection, and empathy (“I am with you. I am staying with you. You are safe. I love you.”). In this way, you connect with your child in times of need.

Regarding the second point: When parents scold (or even when adults discuss things with each other), they often use you-messages (“You did xy and I don’t like it. Stop doing xy.”). As a result, they are not “centered” at all. The question is: What is your impulsive reaction when someone reproaches you? Most people feel attacked and respond with justification, denial, withdrawal, or counterattacks—and children are no different. By making accusations, threats, or applying pressure, we usually achieve nothing because the relationship level is disrupted, and children only do what we want out of fear of punishment and consequences. If we refrain from these things, focus on ourselves, speak from the I-perspective, and take the wind out of a potential conflict’s sails. After all, hardly anyone can argue with your own perspective—not even emotionally.

The 4 steps of NVC help us when formulating I-messages:

• Observation (What happened?)

• Feeling (How am I doing because of this?)

• Need (What do I need?)

• Please (What do I wish for in that moment from my child?)

You should, of course, always put this message into your own authentic words, and the order or completeness of the four steps is not necessarily important. It should not be recited like a formula. For example, instead of saying "Hier wird nicht gerannt.", you could say: "Please walk slowly. It is important to me that you look out for each other."

Does nonviolent communication have its limits?

What should you do if you feel like you can’t make progress with nonviolent communication anymore?

That can, of course, happen. Nonviolent communication is not a magic trick. But children often respond much better to a nonviolent, empathetic I-message than to an unthoughtful demand or even scolding, because they can understand it more easily. Another side effect: when I say what I want from my I-perspective and also look for a reason for it, I pay much more attention to what I want from the child. If I can’t explain it myself, how can I expect my child to respond as desired?

Nevertheless, it is clear that children do not always listen. However, in NVC this is not the primary goal. Through this type of communication, even in seemingly “messy” situations, the relationship is strengthened because the focus is on connection. The child unconsciously absorbs: No matter what happens, here is a person who is important to me and who cares about me and my emotions, and who also confides in me with their own emotions. This imprint is, in my opinion, incredibly important for child development.

By the way, depending on the child’s age, I also find it helpful to reflect together afterward. You could, for example, say: “Wow, that didn’t go well this morning. The situation was quite stressful for me, and I got annoyed. I’m sorry I was so loud. How was it for you?” Of course, it’s important to adjust the wording to the child’s age here as well.

How can you, as a parent, stay calm in communication when you feel that your child is only provoking you?

I like the question about provocation. Often, it’s used as an argument not to look more closely at the child’s needs: “It just wants to provoke.” Or: “It just wants attention.” Both can be absolutely valid. But the question is: Why does it provoke? What reaction from me is it trying to trigger? Why does it need this behavior from me? Again, attitude is important here. Is your child just testing its limits? No, your child is testing the stability of your relationship. It wants to make sure that you stay, that you love it, no matter what it “does.” It provokes because it wants to see how you react. And if you (regardless of the actual situation) respond with love and affection, your child will feel reassured and be positively influenced for the future.

Tips for non-violent communication with children

Do you have specific tips for parents who want to consciously engage in NVC with their child/children?

Read a lot about it, understand the attitude, and choose love. In my experience, the first necessary step for most people is to access their own emotions. Ask yourself: Why do certain behaviors bother me? Why do I wish for different behaviors? How do I feel in certain situations? What do I need to feel good?

Children often find this easier than adults because access to their own feelings has been trained out of most adults over the course of their lives. Through well-meaning phrases like “That’s not so bad.”, we have learned that our emotions are inappropriate. By the time we reach school, this pressure begins to take effect, and it only increases in the working world. So we unlearn how to perceive our emotions at all. This means that often it’s not about how we speak to children, but about perceiving ourselves. The good news is: if I decide to formulate an I message that includes my own feelings and needs, I first have to ask myself what I am really after. This way, I gain a connection to myself and can also invite my child to do the same. Because one thing I still want to say is: Children generally cooperate willingly. They like harmony and are often much more social than adults. If we give them the opportunity to understand why we desire certain things from them, they often enjoy working with us to find solutions together. For those who want to continue learning about this, I recommend the book "Project Giraffentraum" by Frank Gaschler, for nonviolent communication within the family, and of course my online course. Conflict Resolver ".

Thank you, Hannah, for these wonderful insights into nonviolent communication and conflict resolution in everyday family life!