In family life, you’ll find yourself in situations again and again where you have to make a decision and ask, “What’s best for my child?” When well-meaning advice from those around you and self-proclaimed experts comes into play, it can feel truly unsettling.

There usually isn’t just one right answer. Instead, each family has to find its own individual path. We say: it’s time to be yourself. With LILLYDOO. That’s why, in this series of articles, we want to talk with moms and dads about major parenting questions and hear how they made their decisions.

Especially in the first years with a baby, this includes the question of how to organize parental leave. Balancing family and work isn’t always easy. In Germany, statutory parental leave gives moms and dads the opportunity to take up to three years off work. Support in the form of parental allowance is available for up to 14 months, after which parental leave is unpaid. For many parents, the decision about when to return to work depends not only on financial aspects but also on personal considerations. We spoke with two moms who shared how long they took parental leave, what they value about their personal decision, and what they would like to do differently.

Johanna with Ferdinand (6 months), is on parental leave for three years

„My husband and I have always been clear that we want to give our child as much quality time together as possible. That’s why, after the birth of our son, I decided to take three years of parental leave—the maximum currently possible in Germany. My husband also took two months of parental leave in parallel, one of which was immediately after the birth. That was a great relief for us. Suddenly, you’re a mom or dad and don’t really know what to do. At least we were together and could grow into our new roles as parents side by side. We really enjoyed that first shared time.“

I’ve realized how important it is for me to give my son this time. He learns so much, and every day brings so many new things that I don’t want to miss. Time passes so quickly anyway, so why wouldn’t I take the time with my child whenever I have the chance? Of course, sometimes it feels like I’m going stir-crazy when every day revolves around the child. But I make plans every day, and there’s always something to do—so it never gets boring.

When I told my employer I was pregnant, I immediately had a conversation with the HR department. They informed me about the parental leave options, and I was able to ask questions. I also did some research online and received brochures that explained everything very clearly. Because we knew from the beginning that we wanted to take a long parental leave, we mainly checked whether everything would work as we hoped and how best to divide the parental leave between us, since it’s also linked to parental allowance. My husband would have liked to stay home longer with our son, but that would have been difficult to arrange with his employer. He was the first person there to take parental leave at all. That’s why we decided against it. Also, my wish to breastfeed exclusively, if possible, influenced our decision for my longer break.

Right now, I can’t imagine going back to work at all. Of course, I don’t know what it will look like in one or two years. I really enjoyed my job, but at the moment I’m truly enjoying being a mom. I’d probably sit at work all day thinking about what I’m missing and how my child is doing. Constantly switching between work and motherhood—and then having to switch back into “mom mode” after a long workday—seems quite difficult to me.

When meeting other parents, one of the first questions is usually, “So, how long are you on parental leave?” In our circle of acquaintances, I’m the only one staying home for three years, and many people react with surprise. Some stay home for a year, but two years is already less common. There are also parents who would have liked to stay home longer but decided against it. The most common concerns, in my opinion, are work and the fear of falling behind due to a long break. Of course, financial reasons can also play a role, but many say they want to return to work soon even without external pressure. I always knew that if I had a child, I wanted to be there for them for as long as possible; I consciously chose to become a mother. The financial aspect was always secondary for us. But of course, this depends very much on each family’s situation and isn’t possible for everyone.

I want to give my child and myself quality time together. But whether it’s long or short, the opportunity to take parental leave at all is a real gift.

Daniela with Marie (7 years), Linda (5 years), and Henry (3 years) returned to work after a six-week break following the first two births.

In 2011, I started my own business as a communication consultant, and less than a year later our first daughter, Marie, was born. I deliberately chose self-employment because I wanted to have children without being tied to the rigid structures of a permanent job. I believe that for parents, self-employment can be easier than being an employee, where you’re often bound by strict conventions and fixed working hours. If I had had children while working as a permanent employee, I would have worried about not being able to return to the same position after parental leave. My older daughter says, “Mom, when I grow up, I’ll be the boss too”—the children see that it’s completely normal to run your own business and do well at it. As a permanent employee, I would probably find it difficult to get a job with three young children, especially one that allows me to work in a way that suits me and fits our family. I think legal maternity protection is good, but as a self-employed person, I don’t have to adhere to it. I earn money whenever I want and was able to plan my parental leave freely each time.

Of course, self-employment is also very demanding and only works if both parents pull together. My husband has taken a large part of the parental leave for each child and is also supporting me now. We agreed that I would work and he would stay home with the children until they are all in school.

During my first pregnancy, I worked until one day before the birth and resumed work six weeks afterward. I had just secured a large project, so it was clear that my husband would mostly take care of our daughter. To continue breastfeeding, I took Marie to some appointments. My husband would wait with her in a conference room, and when it was time to nurse, I’d step out briefly. It worked, it was well planned, and I enjoyed being back at work from the very beginning. Of course, I also had the flexibility to work from home. I made good use of that with my other children too, working a lot in the evenings and at night or while they were sleeping. My clients responded wonderfully and thought it was great to see that I was still flexible even with children.

With Henry, I consciously decided to take parental leave and declined the major projects. I was out for 16 months, focused mainly on the baby, and really enjoyed not working much. Fully reintegrating after that time was the biggest adjustment and difficult for me and my son. When you spend over a year closely focused on your child and the whole family, you don’t really want to leave that nest again. But as a mom, you probably always feel guilty, no matter when you return to work. Now I try to be on-site with clients a maximum of three days a week and work from home the rest of the time.

The downside is that, for example, I missed Linda’s first steps and only noticed in the evening when I got home. But those are also moments that every father who goes to work misses. For us, at that time, it simply made sense for my husband to stop working for the time being. It wasn’t even a big question, and I don’t regret the decision at all.

We’ve only received positive reactions to our division of roles from those around us; our acquaintances can see that everything is going well and that we’re satisfied. However, I have the feeling that many families still don’t dare to do this, or that external conditions make it harder for them. That’s why I’d like to see more companies show flexibility—so it becomes more natural for men to take more than two months of parental leave, and so flexible working arrangements for parents are possible beyond that. In the age of digitalization, working from home should no longer be questioned.

My advice to other parents is to prioritize life. That means not letting work dictate your time, but organizing work in a way that fits your family. When you become parents, you’re primarily there for your child—but that doesn’t mean you can’t work, too.

Time to be yourself

Thank you to Johanna and Daniela for sharing their personal parental leave stories with us. These two moms stayed home for different lengths of time (or still are), dedicating this period entirely to their children. However, they have one thing in common: for both Johanna and Daniela, family clearly comes first.

Many parents—especially mothers—feel pressured to meet certain expectations, whether that means caring for their child themselves for as long as possible or returning to work quickly. As with many other questions about parenthood, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution here either. Trust your gut feeling and, if necessary, talk with your partner about which model is right for you. We hope you’re able to take exactly the amount of time with your baby that feels right for you!